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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25903288">After the fire (new maps are drawn)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fyrsil/pseuds/Fyrsil'>Fyrsil</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:40:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,284</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25903288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fyrsil/pseuds/Fyrsil</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>28, working in a cafe, utterly alone but for his dog. Komaeda Nagito struggles to reconcile with the demons of his past whilst moving towards a future in which he, too, is worthy of love. Along the way he is met with old friends, new challenges and the bitter realisation that he needs more in his life than mere existence. He needs purpose. </p><p>Hinata Hajime spends his days writing and thinking, making the most of a life in which his identity is constantly challenged. A chance reunion with someone he'd long thought of as an enemy pushes him to think about what truly matters in life, and forces him to let go of the prejudices of his past. </p><p>A story about how Nagito and Hajime find purpose in being together.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko/Pekoyama Peko, Nidai Nekomaru/Owari Akane, Sonia Nevermind/Tanaka Gundham</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Someday I'll find my way home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you for clicking on this fic. It has been something I've been working on for a while and I have a couple more chapters ready to be edited and posted, so please look forward to that. This story was born from my infatuation with a realistic after story for Komaeda and Hinata (though I know it deviates somewhat from canon) focusing on forgiveness and self improvement. And dogs, because I love dogs. </p><p>I'm not very confident in my writing but I want to become better, so cheer me on :')</p><p>I'm looking for a proofreader also, so if you enjoy this chapter and want more it'd mean a lot if you DMed me to become my beta. </p><p>Pls enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Komaeda stared into the water a warped reflection of himself stared back. The black lake was rippling, sending his skin spiralling like waves of their own, his hair a halo he didn’t deserve.  The face that looked back at him was alert, highlighted in the blue caress of the moon. The pigment sapped from his skin as if it weren’t the eyes of someone alive that looked into the water, but that of a wraith, fragile and thin, matching the haunted expression Komaeda saw looking back at him.</p><p>So long ago had he been wounded beyond recognition only to resurrect in mockery of the old biblical tale. Komaeda didn’t share the same blessed altruism of Christ, and his actions, far from aiding others, caused them only more pain in a world that had wounded them already. And then he’d caused his own pain and his own demise, and pushed away the hands of people who may have loved him if the spines his soul adorned hadn’t stood so fast against their care.</p><p>Hajime Hinata. That was a name Komaeda wasn’t fast to forget.</p><p>When he looked up at the sky the moon blinked slowly back at him. She was partially hidden by clouds now, but enduringly present, a reassurance to Komaeda. Her light was the only light that he had. The night was dark and he was too far from the city for its humanity to taint the sanctity of nature. His car was parked in a carpark about ten minutes’ walk from the lake, lonely as the only vehicle in the car park.</p><p>If it got darker he’d be in trouble. The path wasn’t always so evident, and it had changed since his childhood days where he would come here alone to play as his parents worked and the other children understood his to exist together as friends. Even as a child Komaeda had no friends. Perhaps he was naturally destined to be alone, or maybe he’d learn from an early age that being slightly too different from others made them fear you. He was visually different, strikingly so, and whichever brave young soul decided to look past that they found out soon enough by Komaeda’s young cynicism and disconcerting lightness that they’d flee to spread fables to their classmates.</p><p>Komaeda was an outcast. He always had been.</p><p>The trees of the forest, the fallen trunks and lakes and bustling wildlife that came closer to him than to other people was his solace back in his childhood days. How many hours had he spent up here, getting lost in nature’s orderly chaos? With Yuki by his side, the dog he’d owned as long as he could remember, it had felt like enough. It’d been enough.</p><p>As he let out a sigh his breath billowed out in front of him. A gust of wind blew the lake into rippling audibly. It must be far past midnight now, and any normal person would be home and safe. Out here, Komaeda wasn’t safe, but it was the only way he’d figured out how to chase away the loneliness of these long, insomnia-haunted nights. He escaped to a time before Hope’s Peak and before The Tragedy and before Servant and before The Killing game. To a time he hadn’t been happy, but he’d been less achingly sad than he was these days.</p><p>How different things could have been, he thought. The ache in his chest was familiar. There was a smile on his upturned face, though from nostalgia or self-deprecation he was unsure.</p><p>It was time to chase away the cold, so he made the short journey back to his car where he sat with a hot fan warming him as he continued watching the sky and the blue trees that towered to the heavens. His mind wandered inevitably to his old classmates. From what he’d seen on the internet and on the news (some of them had gone on to achieve great things) their lives were, if not without the burden of emotional wounds, going well. They were thriving in this post-tragedy environment and Komaeda was so relieved when he saw these articles detailing their success. Ibuki was making music – so emotionally loaded that when Komaeda had listened to it for the first time he’d been shaken to tears. Souda worked tirelessly to reinstall and improve infrastructure and technology so that Japanese society could slowly pick up the pieces and continue where it had left off. Hinata had…</p><p>Hinata had written a book about what had happened. Meticulously researched and uncharacteristically raw, Hinata’s novel ‘Danganronpa 2’ had been a part-academic-part-passion project in collaboration with the first killing game’s survivor Naegi to reveal to wider society the ordeals that had gone on during the devastating events that had ripped civilisation apart. Hinata had written facts and injected his feelings into his words, and he wrote about everything.</p><p>It had taken Komaeda around two years to finish it from start to finish. It wasn’t horrifically long, but each chapter took so much emotional energy from Komaeda he often needed over a month to recover. Especially in later parts where he’d become… bad. It was jarring to see his deterioration from another perspective. Komaeda knew, afterwards, what he’d done. He’d known how he’d felt at the time, though he’d been so distressed and delusional during it that reality didn’t always match his own recollection. But it was seeing how his actions had affected the others had hurt him, and made guilt invade his chest, chokingly so.</p><p>Hinata wrote in great detail about how Komaeda had torn down the survivors to emotional wrecks. The gory scene of Komaeda’s pseudo-suicide. The girl who’d died as a result…</p><p>The public were enthralled with this mysterious character in Hinata’s story, though on interviews he clearly loathed to talk about Komaeda. When the subject was brought up he’d made a face as if tasting something sour, looking to the side and answering as vaguely as possible and deflecting into another question. Komaeda knew, because he’d watch these interviews knowing he probably shouldn’t. Hinata’s reaction to his name sent arrows into his heart that he knew he deserved, but a large part of him wished that he could have made things right before everyone had continued on with their lives.</p><p>That was a futile dream, however. The few attempts he’d made at contacting the others had been met with polite rejection at best, and hostility at worst. All he wanted was to apologise, but it seemed that when he tried to it ended up hurting the others more than helping, and he began to think that hid desire to apologise was fuelled mostly by the selfish need to redeem himself.</p><p>Komaeda knew that he’d moved past his old ways. As time had drawn on, the intensity of his luck cycle had slowly died down. His good luck barely went beyond him getting the last loaf of bread in the grocery store, and the bad no more than stubbing a toe or bumping into a stranger on his way to work. A lot of his mental instability seemed to be linked to the luck, and the rest to a past that he was hesitantly exploring with a therapist kindly funded by The Future Foundation. Maybe, he pondered, his desire to talk to his old classmates was a hidden wish to prove that he’d improved.</p><p>Hmm. He leant back in his seat, blinking at the moon. <em>I guess I need validation as much as everyone else on this earth, </em>he thought. And he had no one praising him or loving him in his life.</p><p>He had a safe, stable existence, but a lonely one.</p><p>It was probably time to drive home and grab some sleep. Komaeda had work in the morning, and as such he ought to catch at least five hours in order to be fully functioning for his manager. Komaeda had always needed less sleep than most people, so five hours would be enough. Starting the car, he took a final, wistful look at the sky before driving back through the winding roadways, surrounded by trees, onto the main road that led to his house. Komaeda liked driving, but even he was struggling to stay alert by the time he pulled into the driveway of his house and flopped through his doorway.</p><p>Miraculously, his parent’s mansion had survived the apocalypse (if one could call it that) and once released from the simulation and confined until they could be sure he was stable he’d been allowed to return to it. The first time he walked through the towering double doorway of his childhood home he’d felt an aching loneliness that only intensified as he walked through the hollow rooms of the house. That emptiness hadn’t yet been cured, so Komaeda often found it difficult to spend too much time there. It was one of the reasons why he enjoyed going on late night drives so much, where the ghosts of his past couldn’t haunt his synapses. When he wasn’t working or escaping into nature, he’d retreat to coffeeshops and libraries, and volunteer at elderly homes and nurseries. Charitable work made him feel fleetingly closer to others, and he enjoyed the feeling of being needed occasionally. No friends had come out of it, but Komaeda couldn’t work out why. He’d pondered the fact that his heart was likely fortified against all affections, and possibly wouldn’t let a single person in. It was nauseatingly possibly, after a lifetime of hurt and lonesomeness.</p><p>He’d come to expect those he cared about to end up hurt. Whether directly or indirectly depended on his mental stability at the time.</p><p>A large sphere of fur greeted him at the door, a further protrusion of fur swinging from side to side as it danced in front of him. Komaeda’s face softened, and he crouched down to bury his hands in the fur, letting a pink tongue lick his cheek.</p><p>“Hey Michi,” he said, scratching behind the dog’s ears where he knew she liked it best. She made a few yip-yowls of excitement, seemingly immune to fatigue, tiptoeing in circles and Komaeda stood to hang up his coat and put his housekeys on a hook he’d screwed next to his door. He went to the kitchen to boil some water for his nightly tea, putting this morning’s breakfast bowl into the dishwasher as he waited. Once it was done, he poured a steaming cup, settled Michi into her dog bed, and went finally to his room to sleep.</p><p>The weather was bleak the next day, but Komaeda enjoyed it when it was damp and grey outside; it made being inside all the more comforting, and the added bonus of the refreshing moisture on his skin was a sure win. It was easy for him to roll out of bed and into the new day.</p><p>Michi was particularly restless this morning, and Komaeda thought with a smile that he’d have to spend a good two hours that evening tiring her out. A Samoyed definitely wasn’t a beginner breed, and Komaeda had only ever had experience with one dog before, but when he’d seen her at the rescue, skinny and ears plastered to her head, he knew he needed to adopt her. There was also the added amusement that her puffed out fur was so uncannily similar to his own hair that strangers had to poorly hide bemused smiles as they walked past them on the street. That he could bring a smile to someone’s day – however menial – was a great pleasure of Komaeda’s.</p><p>He worked at a chain coffee shop. The pay wasn’t amazing, but he didn’t have to worry much about money with his minimalistic lifestyle, and the house was already payed off. It was one of the few jobs that he enjoyed, because he’d come to learn that customers who came to coffeeshops often sought to comforting warmth found only within their walls, and that they would seek it out made them partially more amicable towards the staff. Komaeda himself enjoyed the safety that the aroma of coffee brought.</p><p>It was one of the few jobs in Japan that allowed staff to wear uniform on the commute to the job, which wasn’t far for Komaeda, who lived only two stops away form it on the train, and if he had a lot of time on a morning he could even choose to walk it. He wore a pressed black shirt and a black apron covering it, the embroidered logo of the shop on the pocket. He’d taken to using a headband to keep his fringe out of his eyes when he worked. Once he was done getting ready he took a final look at himself in the mirror. Good. He looked acceptable. He could blend into the masses of anonymity.</p><p>Michi nuzzled a wet nose into his palm. Komaeda smiled down at her fondly. “I have to go, girl. I have to work.”</p><p>She made a half howl of disapproval.</p><p>Komaeda laughed. Crouching down, he kneaded her cheeks between his hands. “You’ll get a walk this afternoon, so be good.”</p><p>He left, not without feeling a pang of guilt at her (misleadingly) innocent expression.</p><p>His co-workers greeted him as he entered the store with the usual polite familiarity, and Komaeda returned their bows. “Hi, Komaeda-san!” Aiko, a college student, greeted him. She was on the taller side, somewhere around Hinata’s height if Komaeda remembered correctly, and she wore wire-rimmed glasses. Her bob was pinned back on either side with neat clips, and her pleasant, open face smiled at Komaeda.</p><p>“Good morning Aiko-san. Did you have a good time at your cousin’s wedding last weekend?”</p><p>They exchanged small talk as they worked the get the shop ready for opening. The rain was slowly getting heavier, and at a lull in conversation Komaeda thought how he’d have to blow-dry Michi if he wanted to keep his promise of a long walk to her, if the rain was still as incessant later that day.</p><p>The morning passed without much incident, as many mornings before had, and many afternoons too. The job was simple yet enjoyable, and Komaeda found himself leaning into the rhythm of his work, preparing coffee, clearing tables, and exchanging pleasantries with the customers.</p><p>As he was folding his apron at the end of his shift, Aiko pulled him aside suddenly. The unexpected nature of it made Komaeda’s heart stutter for all the wrong reasons, but when he saw the shyness on her face all thought of harm escaped him. “This was… sudden, Aiko-san.”</p><p>“Komaeda,” she started, dropping the honorific. Komaeda felt uncomfortable with their closeness suddenly. They were in the small staff room, which only hosted a modestly sized sofa and had no windows. Aiko was closer than needed be necessary, so close that if Komaeda leaned forward he may feel her breath on his face. He leaned back in discomfort. Aiko frowned slightly but continued to speak.</p><p>“I was… wondering if you felt the same way as me?” She said elusively.</p><p>Komaeda couldn’t help but tilt his head in confusion. “How are you feeling?” He asked.</p><p>She bit her lip. That was obviously the wrong answer. Something inside of Komaeda knew what was happening, but years of self-loathing made it near impossible for him to assume someone had feelings for him. <em>Especially </em>someone as normal as Aiko.</p><p>“I think I’m in love with you.”</p><p>Komaeda’s jaw dropped, and he stared at her with round eyes.</p><p>“I’ve been in love with you for a while. Please, Komaeda-san, would you consider dating me? You don’t know how much I look up to you. I really think we’d-”</p><p>Komaeda pulled back a little too roughly. “You’re mistaken,” he said flatly. His throat was constricting. Why did he feel this way, when he was being confessed to? Society had led him to believe that this was the epitomal moment in a young person’s life. Hell, Souda would likely be thrilled to be in Komaeda’s position, but somehow that thought only made him feel worse.</p><p>“I – but why? Is there something wrong with me?” Aiko pleaded.</p><p>Komaeda shook his head. “N-no, Aiko-san, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a lovely girl. I just don’t think it would be a good idea for you to get involved with me.”</p><p>“But <em>why?” </em></p><p>“You don’t know me. There’s a lot that you don’t know about me.”</p><p>Her demeanour changed rapidly, as if the emotion dripped off of her face, making it unreadable. “Don’t you think you’re kind of recognisable, Komaeda-san? <em>Nagito?</em>”</p><p>Komaeda’s heart stopped. “Why did you call me that?”</p><p>“Chapter one, page nine: ‘<em>looking down at me was a tall, pale young man. His hair was so light that I was inclined to think it was white, and when he helped me up I saw that my first impression had been right. His name was Komaeda Nagito.’ </em>Come on Komaeda-san, we’ve all put two and two together by now. I don’t care that you were an Ultimate Despair. I – I <em>like </em>that about you. So you don’t have to worry about me judging you.”</p><p>Somewhere in the midst of her rave she’d pushed forward so that Komaeda, frozen as if caught red-handed – had backed against a wall. “<em>Please, Nagito-</em>” and then Aiko pressed her lips against his and his body turned to ice.</p><p>Komaeda pushed her backwards and slapped her, hard, without thinking about his strength. Aiko fell against the opposite wall clutching her cheek in shock. They stared at each other for a few tense breaths before Komaeda fled from the room and out of the shop.</p><p>His heart was thudding in his chest as he jogged to the train station, limbs still electric from his fight or flight response. Soon enough he was sprinting along the road, people looking at him as if her was a crazy man, and a few chocked sobs got caught in his throat. His palm still stung from hitting her so hard, and amongst all the panic he felt the added anxiety that he may have really hurt her. It wasn’t exactly her fault for knowing Komaeda’s true identity, and even if she’d come on quite strongly Komaeda had probably blown it out of proportion in his head.</p><p>How could he have felt threatened? By a co-worker no less, a girl of twenty two. She was six whole years younger than him and he had a few inches on her, so hitting her was unacceptable.</p><p>Nausea lingered from the feel of her soft lips against his.</p><p>He swiped this metro card without really registering it and collapsed into the empty carriage of the early afternoon train. His phone was buzzing in his pocket. When he looked at who was calling he saw it was Aiko. He had a few missed texts from her as well, but he couldn’t bring himself to read them. How <em>long </em>had she known who he truly was? His vague introduction of only his family name clearly hadn’t worked in deterring attention from his appearance and his resemblance to the Nagito Komaeda in Hinata’s book. Oh god, all his co-workers knew. He was surprised they’d let him work there for as long as they did. Passers by on the street probably took one look at him and labelled him an ultimate despair.</p><p>
  <em>Servant servant servant. </em>
</p><p>The weight of a thousand eyes suddenly pushed against him, and he huddled in his seat in shame.</p><p>When he finally arrived home he near collapsed into Michi’s fur, sobbing and shaking as he felt terror well up and over. He knew he was an ugly crier, but Michi didn’t mind. His wonderful dog waited patiently as Komaeda buried his wet face into her back and clutched her closely, lapping at the saltiness of his face once he finally drew away. She didn’t particularly like being hugged, but she’d learned in the years Komaeda owned her that it was the best comfort she could be to wait for him to calm down.</p><p>A few stray sobs burst from Komaeda’s lips as he stroked her head and ears. He felt the familiar pins and needles that came after a good long cry, and he wondered if this time any of the blood vessels around his eyes had broken like tiny red freckles. It happened occasionally, when he had a particularly violent breakdown.</p><p>Michi’s ears were flat against her head as she licked Komaeda’s hand. He managed a smile. “It’s okay girl. It’s going to be okay. I… I think,” he trailed off, “it can’t be helped. Shall we head to the park for a run?”</p><p>She blinked back with a complete lack of understanding.</p><p>“I’ll take that as a yes,” he said. He struggled to stand up, sighing as he caught his blotchy reflection in the mirror. He washed his face in the blissfully cold water of the kitchen sink and dried it somewhat with a tea towel. Not bothering to change out of his uniform he clipped Michi’s lead on, ran a hand through his tangled hair and headed out.</p><p>Although all he wanted to do was curl up in his bed he’d learned from experience that getting out of the house meant getting out of his head for a while. And he was always glad for it. The air cooled his cheeks and caressed his hair. His jacket wasn’t really warm enough for the afternoon but Komaeda was more resilient to the cold than he looked. Perhaps he was just used to it.</p><p>The park was a ten-minute walk away, and wonderfully situated. It was an oasis for dog owners and hikers alike. It was large and expansive, and full of small, decorative gardens to be discovered. In the rolling valley nestled between the two high points of the space was where most dog owners let their pets roam, as it was far away from any of the park’s entrances and prevented particularly adventurous dogs from running into traffic or getting lost. It was in this valley that Komaeda let Michi off her lead and sank into the long grass to watch her play with the other dogs.  </p><p>In his pocket his phone buzzed. He took it out reluctantly, checking to find that Aiko had sent him a few messages on LINE.</p><p>
  <em>Youre just going to leave like that?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t come back then</em>
</p><p>A new message popped up as he was looking at the screen.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe they were right about you and you truly cant be saved.</em>
</p><p>Komaeda clenched his jaw and chucked the phone away, quivering in anger. “I didn’t ask to be saved,” he spat at the device, as if Aiko could hear him. How dare she. How dare <em>he. </em>Komaeda’s head was reeling too much to make sense of his thoughts, so he took a deep breath and tried to focus on Michi, who was running circles round a chocolate Labrador, tail wagging violently. The two dogs seemed to get along well, and their innocent happiness infected Komaeda. The tension drained from his body with each second that went by.</p><p>Grabbing his phone, he turned it off and returned it to his pocket.</p><p>In the distance the figure of the Labrador’s owner appeared over the peak of the hill. His voice could be heard faintly calling for his dog who happily ignored him, far too enamoured with its new friend. Komaeda smiled in faint amusement. Then the Labrador pricked its ears and raced in the direction of its owner, Michi sprinting close behind. The Labrador stopped a little in front of its owner, but Michi, giddy and over excitable as she was, bowled straight into the poor man, sending him toppling to the ground like a sack of potatoes.  </p><p>“Oh god,” Komaeda groaned, jumping to his feet and jogging over to apologise and ask if the man was okay. As he got closer he heard the man spitting a slew of curses while the two dogs swarmed him with tails flailing, evidently excited by what they thought was a fun new game. The poor man was probably drenched in licks by now.</p><p>“Michi, come here,” Komaeda shouted. He held out a hand to help the man up. “God, I’m so sorry. She just gets a bit excited sometimes, she means no harm.”</p><p>The man rubbed the back of his head and finally looked up, and Komaeda’s breath got stuck in his throat. The man seemed to be feeling the same way. His hand had frozen where it had begun to reach to grasp Komaeda’s own, and his eyes were sharp and cornered.</p><p>From head to foot, the Labrador’s owner was unmistakably Hinata Hajime, and Komaeda wanted to die.</p><p>“I-I, um-”</p><p>“I can get up on my own, thanks,” Hinata said coldly. Once he was back on his feet he called his dog (its name was Coco, how basic) and clipped it back on its lead. He brushed the grass off his coat.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Komaeda asked.</p><p>“Yes, Komaeda, I’m fine,” Hinata replied. Komaeda shrunk a little at the way his name sounded like a curse word on Hinata’s tongue.</p><p>“Can I..?”</p><p>“You don’t need to do anything.” Komaeda heard ‘you’ve done enough’ in the phrase. Hinata turned to go.</p><p>“Wait, Hinata!” Komaeda called out without really considering what he was going to say. Hinata’s eyes bore into him, one a soft hazel and the other a piercing red. “I just, I need to say, I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I said it was fine.”</p><p>“Not about that, about…”</p><p>“Oh. Well, it’s in the past, I guess. I can’t exactly forgive you, though. You’re so fucked up.”</p><p>Komaeda shrunk even more. Everyone was attacking him today. The forbidden voice in his head reminded him that he deserved his former classmate’s scorn, and that just made him feel worse. At their feet, Michi let out a short, frustrated howl. Both men turned to look at her, and at Coco who was lying a little way away, chewing a stick.</p><p>Hinata sighed. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. This is a surprise, that’s all.”</p><p>“No, no it’s okay. I understand. You don’t have to forgive me, Hinata, so long as you know that I’m sorry.”</p><p>Under Hinata’s scrutinising gaze Komaeda felt stripped of all defences. “You seem different,” Hinata commented.</p><p>With a pained half-smile, Komaeda replied, “I got better. There was a lot wrong with my head before.” He gave a laugh that he hoped sounded less hysterical than it did in his head, “and the circumstances are a lot different. I like to think that how I behaved was very circumstantial.”</p><p>Hinata seemed to ponder this for a while. “It was… a terrible situation, for all of us.”</p><p>Komaeda’s smile stretched into something more genuine, “as I said, Hinata, you don’t have to forgive me. You know I was a lot worse than everyone else.”</p><p>“You really mean that, don’t you?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Komaeda said, petting Michi’s ears, “I can’t downplay the past.”</p><p>Hinata checked his watch. “I – uh – I have to be somewhere in half an hour, but would you like to exchange phone numbers?”</p><p>“Why?” Komaeda asked, unable to hide his surprise.</p><p>Increasingly flustered, Hinata stumbled for words. “I-I don’t really know. I just thought – if you don’t want to, that’s fine.”</p><p>“I do, of course I do!”</p><p>Hinata smiled then, and it eased the ache in Komaeda’s heart a little. He handed his phone to Komaeda, who thumbed his number into the contact box, saving it under the formal sounding ‘Komaeda Nagito’ and then handing it back to Hinata. Their hand’s brushed, and Komaeda shivered at the teasing exposure to much-needed human contact. Even with someone he had a history with like Hinata.</p><p>“Well, goodbye then. And sorry about what I said. I know we didn’t get the chance to talk much, but you have… you seem to have gotten a lot better.”</p><p>Laughing, Komaeda said, “you don’t have to apologise. I know I deserve it. I hope you have a pleasant afternoon.”</p><p>Seeming like he wanted to say more, Hinata instead returned the sentiments and clipped Coco to a lead to drag him away hastily. Komaeda watched the retreating back of his classmate until he’d disappeared over the hill, leaving him with only the bitter sense of melancholy, and a feeling of regret, the cause of which he couldn’t quite locate. He collapsed into the grass beside Michi, who licked his chin with her ears flat against her head. Perceptive dog.</p><p>The day had been a succession of the past coming back to haunt him, and in a way it reminded Komaeda of how his luck cycle had been when it was at its worst. He pushed away the anxiety that it may return rapidly and sighed, feeling the outdoor breeze try to cleanse him of his heartache.</p><p>His evening was as peaceful as it could be, but there was a mounting sense of dread building in his stomach, as if the peace would be shattered in an instant. The weight of his phone felt like a comfort in his pocket.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Threads</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone, thank you for the good reception to the first chapter of this fic. I hope that this chapter upholds the standards! It's currently 1am as I'm uploading this, but over the past few days I've had so much energy (for once) so staying up this late doesn't bother me so much. Night is always the best time to write for me, and editing at this time is always so peaceful (I usually listen to ASMR while editing). </p>
<p>I have decided that I'll be trying to upload every two weeks. I've never really been good at updating fics regularly, but I figured I'd challenge myself and try to get some structure into my life, seeing as there's gonna be a severe lack of that for at least until the end of this year. Sigh. </p>
<p>I hope everyone is doing well and that you enjoy this chapter. Constructive criticism is appreciated, especially around plot and the timing of the story :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So Sonia and Gundam are going to be on their honeymoon until the end of October, so it’ll have to be after then. Oh, but Ibuki’s on tour November, so…”</p>
<p>“How about some time in December then?”</p>
<p>“No can do. Sonia never leaves Novoselic around Christmas time and Teruteru is always busy working round then for both Christmas and New Year. And Kazuichi always takes a girl on a date on Christmas. He’ll be way too stressed to want to do a reunion in December.”</p>
<p>Hinata groaned. “Okay Akane, so when <em>do </em>you suggest?”</p>
<p>“The closest everyone’s available is February. Is that good with you?”</p>
<p>“I’m a freelance author, what do you think?”</p>
<p>“So yes! Perfect! I was thinking we could do it in Naha this time? The temperature wouldn’t be too bad that way.”</p>
<p>“And you live there,” Hinata observed with a deadpan.</p>
<p>“Naturally! You know how much I hate travelling, and it’s a nightmare to get Nekomaru on a train. We can sort out the hotel and venue. Sound good?”</p>
<p>Sighing, Hinata shifted from kneeling to a slumped cross-legged position. “If it’s fine with everyone else then it’s fine with me. I’ll just be glad to see everyone again.”</p>
<p>“Awh Hinata, you’ve always been soppy about us all. I wish we could just live in a commune like one big happy family.”</p>
<p>“No you don’t,” Hinata said, “communism always equals famine. And I doubt everyone would get along.”</p>
<p>“Okay yeah, I’m happy where I am. How are things with you, by the way? I’m surprised you stayed in Tokyo for so long. Isn’t it a bit busy for you?”</p>
<p>“It’s where all the best jobs are, and it’s not like I’ve got any reason to move. Kazuichi lives close and Fuyuhiko, Peko and Hikoyo are only a train ride away.”</p>
<p>“Hmm, but isn’t life kinda… boring for you? Or is writing just that exciting.”</p>
<p>“The unexpected keeps me entertained,” Hinata says, mind wandering to his unexpected meeting with Komaeda the week earlier. Should he tell Owari about it? He pondered the idea. It had been weighing on his for days now, and the underlying anxiety was beginning to get to him. He hadn’t called the new number in his phone, and frankly wasn’t sure why he’d offered to exchange numbers with Komaeda in the first place. He could imagine the man waiting for his call, madness swirling in his eyes… Though when he’d bumped into him, he’d just appeared… sad. And slightly haunted, but not by lingering madness or the extremities of hope. Just sad. It had thrown Hinata off guard after years of demonising the boy who’d terrorised everyone in the simulation, who had played with their lives like matchsticks.</p>
<p>He probably shouldn’t tell her. He’d just let Owari think his life was totally boring which, apart from unexpected encounters with past enemies, it was. But boring was comfortable. Boring was safe. And god did Hinata need safe.</p>
<p>“You do you, I guess,” Owari said. “Hey, so I’ve got to go now, but I’ll see you at the wedding, and then sometime in February, m’kay?”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Hinata agreed, “speak soon.”</p>
<p>Once he’d hung up and stretched the stiffness from his limbs. Sitting at a desk all day did his back no good. It was one of the reasons he’d adopted Coco when he’d found the dog wandering the streets, thin and frightened. Coco’s owner had died, the police had told him once they’d scanned his microchip and made a quick phone call. Hinata could have taken the dog to a shelter, but Coco’s warm, brown eyes looked at him pleadingly, filled with a warm type of sadness, and Hinata just couldn’t leave him there.</p>
<p>His apartment felt a little less empty with a dog around, and it meant that he was more motivated to go outside to walk him. It wasn’t that Hinata was agoraphobic in any sense of the word, but all too often he’d be recognised on the street and have curious fans of his first book pry for more information about his experiences as the Ultimate Despair. It made him anxious and uncomfortable, not that he was able to tell them anything more than what he’d written. The memories from the disaster were locked securely in Kamukura’s memory, and Kamukura was, hopefully, locked in the deepest, darkest corner of Hinata’s consciousness, never to emerge again.</p>
<p>Although he occasionally regretted making the book public, he felt the victims and the future generations deserved to know exactly what had happened back then, and it was also dedicated to his classmates and the suffering they’d been subjected to. He couldn’t just have people believe that the Despairs were moral-barren entities of evil, because, when cured from their frenzy, they were just as much victims as anyone else. Maybe more so.</p>
<p>Except from Komaeda. Over the years, Komaeda had been the convenient recipient of the blame for their suffering, because as far as everyone else had gone, Komaeda had gone ten times further. Hinata had tried not to make him into a storybook antagonist when he wrote – tried to be as unbiased as possible – but the contradictions he’d made in trying to do so had only prompted more questions from the public, and oh how Hinata despised the questions prying into something he wished he could have just written and forgot.</p>
<p>Hinata wished he could erase the memory of seeing Komaeda earlier that week. The day he’d been in the park had been a particularly bad one, as well. Naegi, now the principle of Hope’s Peak, was keen to recruit more teachers for the upcoming year group, and Hinata had needed to grit his teeth through a particularly challenging meeting with the young principle and politely decline at the end. He thought – no, he knew – that none of his class would want to teach back there. Not only was the school the source of many bitter memories for all of then, but Hinata doubted anyone felt worthy to teach the next generation.</p>
<p>He sure didn’t. Hinata didn’t feel worthy of much at all.</p>
<p>He often thought of Naegi as his more successful counterpart. He’d forced himself to sit through the recordings of the first killing game of Junko’s orchestration not three months of exiting his own killing game, and so much of himself he saw in Naegi, except where Naegi was hope, Hinata was… nothing. Or despair at worst. Komaeda would have a field trip getting his head around that. Hinata didn’t deserve the success and public adoration that Naegi, quite rightfully, had. Not when Hinata was a fraud made up of synthetic abilities. Not when he’d killed so, <em>so </em>many people.</p>
<p>Unlike the rest of his class, he couldn’t even remember his time in despair.</p>
<p>Naegi had been wonderfully understanding, but Hinata felt so undeserving of it that he felt nauseous and confused by the time he stepped out of his somewhat-friend’s office and made the trek back to his apartment. Walking Coco was supposed to be an escape, but all it brought was more turmoil.</p>
<p>Hinata really should delete Komaeda’s phone number and forget about it, but for some reason he didn’t.</p>
<p>A few days later, Hinata had arranged to meet Pekoyama, Kuzuryu and Souda for dinner. The only occasion was to catch up with his friends, who by now had a six month old baby and a mortgage. Souda was working as a mechanic as a local garage, and loved the work almost as much as he liked to go drinking with his colleagues on evenings. Kuzuryu had inherited a great deal of money from his late parents, and Pekoyama had enjoyed giving bi-weekly lessons at their local dojo until she’d become pregnant. They were so functional, Hinata could barely wrap his head around it.</p>
<p>They met at seven at a traditional restaurant near his friends’ house. Hinata arrived early, and was led to the table by the waiter, and sipped on a glass of orange juice as he waited for them to arrive. Kuzuryu and Pekoyama were five minutes late, something that would have been unheard of before the arrival of their child, but the baby boy had brought just the right amount of chaos into their lives to make them relax just a bit. Souda was, as usual, no where to be seen.</p>
<p>The married couple sat down across from Hinata, gentle smiles and shy glances around.</p>
<p>“Sorry we’re late. The brat wouldn’t settle with the nanny so we had to stay a while until he shut up,” Kuzuryu apologised as he took a seat, leaning back.</p>
<p>His wife elbowed him with a coy glance. “Don’t call him a brat. As I remember you rocked him until he fell asleep.”</p>
<p>Hinata laughed along with her as Kuzuryu’s face reddened. It was so nice to see that his friends never changed much, even though them as parents was a massive surprise for everyone. “How is he doing?” Hinata asked.</p>
<p>“Very well,” Pekoyama smiled.</p>
<p>“He’s getting fat,” Kuzuryu complained, but he didn’t look very upset. “He’s going to be a fighter, like his Mum. He almost yanked out a chunk of the nanny’s hair last time we went out. I’m surprised she didn’t quit, though the money we pay her more than makes up for the brat’s bad attitude.”</p>
<p>“What makes up for your attitude, then?” Pekoyama teased. She’d become a lot more open since the simulation, and her personality, though still reserved, shone through when she was with people she trusted. Hinata loved that he was one of those people.</p>
<p>Instead of getting angry, Kuzuryu smiled along with her, and for a moment their eyes met. It was like they could connect with just seeing each other, and whilst Hinata was so happy for them – that they had found this happiness in such a terrifying world – it also made the ache of loneliness in his own chest all the more apparent.</p>
<p>The moment was interrupted by the arrival of Souda, who bowled into the establishment as loudly and shamelessly as always. He was one person who could understand Hinata’s loneliness more than anyone. They were very similar in that regard, except that Souda determinedly dated countless women whilst Hinata retreated into himself, convincing himself that he was fine alone. Souda hadn’t found anyone he could make a bond with, and Hinata could see how the countless one night stands were wearing him down, though he’d always proudly brag about it at the next opportunity. Hinata sometimes wondered if he should have a talk with Souda about his evident attraction to men, because Souda was probably the only person who was oblivious to it at this point. It was probably the reason his friend hadn’t had any luck when dating. But Hinata wasn’t ready for the awkwardness of that conversation.</p>
<p>“Hey guys, sorry I’m late!” Souda announced his presence brashly, “what did I miss?”</p>
<p>“Nothing much, I just told them I’m pregnant,” Hinata said.</p>
<p>“What?!” Souda exclaimed.</p>
<p>Hinata rolled his eyes, pulling out the chair next to him. “Sarcasm,” he said, “sit down.”</p>
<p>Begrudgingly, Souda took his seat and, seeing that they were finally ready to order, a waiter came over and scribbled the dished that everyone wanted. Once he was gone, Souda gave a genuine smile. “So, how’s the mini Fuyuhiko?”</p>
<p>They exchanged small talk as they ate, and a pleasant feeling bloomed in Hinata’s chest that was only disrupted at the mention of their next meeting. “February is so far!” Souda complained.</p>
<p>“At least we’ll see everyone at the wedding.”</p>
<p>Souda soured even more at the mention of it. Hinata thought that if he wasn’t so close to everyone else he’d probably refuse to go to Sonia and Gundam’s wedding. They still pained him to this day. Hinata could see the longing in his eyes, beyond the bitter resentment. Hinata didn’t think Souda had ever loved Sonia, but he’d been so enamoured with the <em>idea </em>of her that it had become a lifetime fixation.</p>
<p>Souda’s mood rubbed off in Hinata as well as he, too, was reminded of someone he really didn’t want to think of. The thought of Komaeda had been so prominent in his head the past week that he’d been having trouble sleeping, and yet more trouble trying to write his latest novel. It was typical that the guy was getting under his skin at the briefest contact. To the point that Hinata couldn’t keep it bottled up any more.</p>
<p>Signing, he cleared his throat and put down his cutlery, the bowl of oden in front of him only half eaten. “I bumped into Komaeda the other day.”</p>
<p>“What?” Souda exclaimed, “wait, is that more sarcasm?”</p>
<p>“Unfortunately not,” Hinata shook his head, hiding his clammy hands under the table.</p>
<p>“That bastard. Did he try anything?” Kuzuryu spat.</p>
<p>“No, no, nothing like that,” Hinata assured them, “he didn’t do anything wrong it just… it’s been bothering me.”</p>
<p>Pekoyama reached a hand over the table to grab Hinata’s forearm reassuringly. “That’s understandable.”</p>
<p>“What if he’s stalking you?” Souda suggested.</p>
<p>Hinata was ashamed to admit that he actually considered it, before dismissing the idea. “I don’t think so. I think it was an honest coincidence. We were walking our dogs at the same time and his came up to me and bowled me over.”</p>
<p>“Just as destructive as its owner,” Souda said, his lip curling. “Man, I’m sorry you had to see that creep again, that really sucks.”</p>
<p>“Yeah…” Hinata said. “That’s the thing though, he didn’t seem like how he was – back then. He seemed better.”</p>
<p>“We were all fooled by him the first time,” Kuzuryu reminded him.</p>
<p>Hinata sighed. Kuzuryu was probably right and Komaeda had probably tricked Hinata into exchanging phone numbers, but that wasn’t quite right. Hinata had suggested it. He had no doubt Komaeda would have walked away without causing a fuss.</p>
<p>“What if… what if he really has changed? Shouldn’t I..?”</p>
<p>“Do what, <em>be </em>there for him. Hinata, don’t you <em>remember </em>what he put us through. Who he <em>killed?</em>” Souda protested. He looked angry. Hinata felt a pain in his chest that he often tried to bury. He didn’t want to bring back the memory of <em>her, </em>but in forcing himself to forget he was also overlooking the full extent of Komaeda’s actions. At the same time, he felt a bitterness that Souda would bring her up at all.</p>
<p>He clenched his hands under the table, clamminess making it uncomfortable to exist. “I know that. Look, you’re probably right, but I have a feeling about it. It would have been easier to brush it off if he was the same as I remember.”</p>
<p>“Well,” Pekoyama started, expertly observing Hinata’s emotion, “there was always something different between you and him that wasn’t between him and the rest of us.”</p>
<p>“Peko,” Kuzuryu muttered. Not quite a warning, but something of the sort.</p>
<p>“We didn’t… there wasn’t…”</p>
<p>“I’m not suggesting anything, Hajime. All I’m saying is that there was something about your personalities that drew you to each other, for better or for worse.”</p>
<p>Hinata found it difficult to face that harsh observation. Over all the years, it was the one thing he couldn’t process; the deposition of the memory was the only way he’d been able to come to terms with the betrayal that had happened, and kept on happening. A part of his mind whispered something about misinterpreting words, words spoken in a hospital room with the harsh sunlight washing out the feverish patient. But he wasn’t quite ready for that. Not even after so long.</p>
<p>Forcing himself to smile, Hinata dismissed his friends. “Forget I mentioned it. It’s not like I’ll see him again anyway.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That evening all Hinata wanted to do was drink a few glasses of wine and cuddle with Coco while watching trash TV. Instead his phone was bombarded with text message after text message. It was past midnight by now, who the hell was spamming his phone at a time like this?! Groaning and downing the last of his first glass of wine he begrudgingly checked his phone.</p>
<p>He expected it to be one of his friends annoying him over something trivial, and he would ignore them and turn off his phone for the night to return to the bliss of mindless TV, but instead he saw the words ‘Komaeda’ and ‘outed’ and ‘news’. His heart sunk. So much for a peaceful evening. He opened Pekoyama’s message first because she was the most tolerable of his friends.</p>
<p>
  <em>Peko: Have you seen the news? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Peko: It’s about Komaeda. I think you should check the news. </em>
</p>
<p>What the actual fuck?</p>
<p>He opened Souda’s message.</p>
<p>
  <em>Kazuichi: Dudeee have u seen? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kazuichi: You must have seen</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kazuichi: Hurry up and reply did you have anything to do with this?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kazuichi: Fuckkkk this chick is insane I almost feel kinda sorry for Komaeda</em>
</p>
<p>“What the fuck?” Hinata muttered under his breath. He ignored the other messages to switch to the news channel where he caught the tail end of a conversation between the late night news broadcaster and a young woman. The headline underneath read ‘Ultimate despair, Komaeda Nagito, still posing danger to society.’</p>
<p>“At first I was willing to look past what he’d done before, but when he attacked me I knew I had to come out and share it. I’m shocked that this guy is allowed to be in public if I’m honest,” the girl was saying.</p>
<p>“Have you not considered going to the police over it?”</p>
<p>The girl shook her head. “I don’t have solid proof enough for him to be convicted. If they have looked over his previous crimes – countless ones – one further one would mean nothing, don’t you think?”</p>
<p>The news announcer hummed in agreement. “It is certainly a disturbing thought. I understand that you are sharing your story in order to protect society at large, yes?”</p>
<p>“That’s right. He was fired almost immediately, and the story will be published in newspapers tomorrow. People have a right to know.”</p>
<p>“Well that’s all we have time for today. Thank you again Aiko-san for coming out here like this to share your experience, it must have taken a lot of courage to stand up against someone with a track record like Komaeda Nagito’s. I do hope you can recover from what he did to you.”</p>
<p>“Thank you.”</p>
<p>Hinata swallowed, ignoring the continuation of the news. <em>What did you do? </em>He thought, fervently trying to reconcile the picture he had of Komaeda walking his dog in the park with the aggressor the girl seemed to be describing him as. He’d missed the first part of the story but it didn’t take a genius to work out the gist of it. They’d put a square image of Komaeda’s face in the top corner. He’d been wearing a dark uniform and was smiling faintly – not the face of an aggressor, nor of the Komaeda Hinata had known years ago.</p>
<p>His fingers were aching with tension but he found it in him to scroll to Komaeda’s contact in his phone, still untouched from when the man had input it days ago. Hinata hadn’t been planning to use it, he truly hadn’t, but he <em>needed </em>to know what was going on now more than ever. If Komaeda had been bothering him before, he’d never sleep again if he didn’t at least talk to his old classmate. He didn’t let himself think as he pressed the ring button.</p>
<p>The phone rung for a long time, and Hinata was close to hanging up when a voice sounded on the other side. “Hello?” It said tentatively, quietly.</p>
<p>“Is that you, Komaeda?”</p>
<p>“<em>Hajime,” </em>Komaeda said, his voice laced with relief.</p>
<p>“I’ve just been watching the news. Have you seen it?”</p>
<p>A pause and then, “yes, I have.”</p>
<p>“Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“I’m fine, Hajime,” Komaeda said, but the lie was poorly concealed. Hinata could hear the way his breath trembled fleetingly against the receiver, and the note higher his voice was, as if reflecting its fragility.</p>
<p>“You’re lying.”</p>
<p>“You don’t need to worry about me.” He sounded close to tears, “I deserve everything that comes for me. You don’t have to worry.”</p>
<p>“Can you tell me what happened?”</p>
<p>“I… it’s true that I hit Aiko-san.”</p>
<p>Hinata hadn’t caught that bit on the news. For a moment his breath caught and he wondered if Komaeda truly was more unhinged than he’d been letting himself believe. Then he remembered the way Komaeda could twist truths into half-truths. For someone who was so painfully honest it was so easy to be deceived by Komaeda. “Why did you hit her?”</p>
<p>“She – god Hajime, I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do,” the dam had broken, and Komaeda was audibly holding back tears now. Hinata heard crackling for a while, too cowardly to speak again, but Komaeda spoke for him. “Hajime, I’m capable of so many bad things, but I would never sexually assault someone, you know that, right? You believe me? I’d never do it. I’m pathetic, but it truly was she who kissed me, and that’s why I hurt her. I didn’t know what to do. God, I’m so foolish I could die. But Hajime, I didn’t do any of those other things she said. I never would.”</p>
<p>“Okay, slow down,” Hinata told him. He was completely lost in Komaeda’s rambling but he knew that whatever had happened must have distressed his old classmate immensely, and as much as he hesitated to make contact with his od antagonist again, he wasn’t Kamukura and as such he wasn’t so heartless to leave Komaeda as he was. “Is anyone with you? Do you have anyone you can be with right now?”</p>
<p>“My family is dead, and I don’t have friends,” Komaeda said without weight.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Hinata said, “what’s your address? I’ll come over.”</p>
<p>“What?” For a moment, Komaeda seemed to be so surprised his supressed crying stopped, “no, don’t trouble yourself. You’ve already done more than is necessary and-”</p>
<p>“You’re not arguing with me on this. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”</p>
<p>It took a while to persuade Komaeda to let Hinata help him. As soon as he had the address Hinata dashed off to his local metro station to catch the night train to Komaeda’s neighbourhood. It was a little unnerving to walk so late at night and it took him longer than expected to walk from the station to Komaeda’s house. Although he was working mainly on autopilot, there was doubt gnawing at Hinata as if this was some monumental mistake he was making. Why was he doing something like this for someone he wanted to forget almost as much as he wanted to forget Junko and Izuru?</p>
<p>But alas, he was sleep deprived and fuelled on adrenaline, and he arrived at Komaeda’s door breathless and sweating despite the chill in the late-night air.</p>
<p>The door looked like it had once had one of those fancy knockers rich people used to show off their wealth, but now there was a modern looking doorbell instead which Hinata pushed a few times before stepping back to wait. As he waited his heartbeat was loud in his own ears, and he dreaded the moment Komaeda opened the door.</p>
<p>And then he did, and Hinata came face to face with his old enemy yet again, this time by choice.</p>
<p>Komaeda looked terrible – there was no nice way of saying it. He looked gaunt and the dark shadows beneath his eyes made them look all the more haunted. His eyes and nose were flushed red while the rest of his skin had taken on a sickly, translucent hue and the smile he obstinately offered Hinata was obviously forced.</p>
<p>“Come in,” he said quietly, stepping back from the door.</p>
<p>Hinata followed him into the house. It was as grand on the inside as it was on the outside, but it almost looked abandoned if not for the fact that everything was spotlessly clean. Komaeda lead Hinata into an open plan kitchen-lounging room. At one end, sliding French doors led into a large garden, at the other a settee set arranged round a coffee table with a few hardback novels stacked on it. It was on one of the couches that Hinata sat, and Komaeda on the other giving the whole situation the feel of an extremely awkward interview.</p>
<p>Komaeda was looking at Hinata as if he was some dangerous object that could explode at any time.</p>
<p>“Would you like something to drink?” Komaeda finally asked.</p>
<p>“No, thank you. I’m here to make sure you’re okay, that’s all.”</p>
<p>“You really shouldn’t have-”</p>
<p>“I didn’t see the whole interview. What happened?” Hinata asked bluntly.</p>
<p>“Oh…” Komaeda drew back nervously. “I’m not sure I want to talk about it.”</p>
<p>“You should,” Hinata pushed him, because damn, why was he here if not to address the situation at hand? Komaeda had been accused of something, and Hinata was scared about how the man would react to it.</p>
<p>Komaeda lowered his head. Strands of fine, cloudy hair concealed his face. His voice was so fragile when he spoke. “Aiko-san is – no, was – a colleague of mine. We worked together at a coffee shop – me full time and her part time. On my shift a week ago she wanted to talk to me in the back room.” He choked, hunching over more to bury his face in his hands, “she wanted to have a relationship with me. I told her she didn’t know everything about me but then… then she said that she’d worked out that I was the Komaeda Nagito in your book, an Ultimate Despair, and she said she didn’t mind. She <em>kissed </em>me Hinata, you have to believe me. I didn’t want it. She said I made her, but I didn’t want it at all. I <em>did </em>hit her, though. I have no excuse for that.”</p>
<p>Komaeda stayed like that after he’d finished talking, shaking as he cried silently. Hinata watched him with wide eyes.</p>
<p>“She accused you of assaulting her?”</p>
<p>“Sexually and physically,” Komaeda affirmed.</p>
<p>“The police?”</p>
<p>“Not involved. Yet. She went to the media first.”</p>
<p>“Then she’s doing it for attention!” Hinata exclaimed, shocked at how vile a human could be after humanity had seen the effects of being vile. “Attention and money, and she’s going to get it.”</p>
<p>“Yes, well, I probably deserve it. I hit her.”</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t have done that, but she <em>did </em>kiss you against your consent.”</p>
<p>Komaeda swallowed. “It felt so vile, and for a moment my whole body seized up and I couldn’t do anything to stop her. And then when I could move I just had to get away. It made me sick to my stomach,” Komaeda said, his voice strained.</p>
<p>Hinata didn’t know what do to with the shivering mass opposite him. He’d come to ensure Komaeda was safe, but, foolishly, he’d failed to anticipate the potential need to comfort the man. Until very recently he’d despised Komaeda, and even after their chance meeting he’d felt so apprehensive he’d been sure he’d never initiate contact. Yet here he was, watching someone he used to hate at his most vulnerable, alone and hated by society, and it was partially Hinata’s fault.</p>
<p>Perhaps he shouldn’t feel guilt for writing the truth, but in the moment he felt like he’d swallowed a rock.</p>
<p>“You really don’t have any family or friends?” He asked after a while.</p>
<p>Komaeda shook his head. “I couldn’t burden anyone like that,” he said as if that explained it.</p>
<p>Hinata felt the illogical urge to pull Komaeda’s head to his chest and stroke his hair, tell him everything was all right.</p>
<p>“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to go?”</p>
<p>“No!” Komaeda looked up frantically, a hand reaching out to grab onto Hinata’s wrist just as he was standing up. “Please don’t go. I don’t want to be alone.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Hinata slowly sat down again.</p>
<p>After a while Komaeda managed to calm down and Hinata offered to make some tea for the both of them. The kitchen was large and modern but frugal. The fridge and pantry were so bare Hinata wondered if Komaeda ever even ate. He had a whole cupboard of tea, so Hinata made some chamomile for Komaeda and some green tea for himself; it was late, and he was kind of hoping Komaeda would go to sleep soon.</p>
<p>When he returned Komaeda had wiped his face free of tears and had evidently smoothed down his hair where it had been messed up. He smiled when Hinata handed him his cup and patted the space next of him for Hinata to sit.</p>
<p>“It feels like an interview otherwise,” he explained, and Hinata smiled, telling him he’d felt that way too.</p>
<p>It was strange to be sitting next to Komaeda like they had no history with each other. In a way, it felt as if they were friends, and Hinata was just helping Komaeda out, instead of the complicated web of memories that linked them together. Hinata watched as Komaeda sighed and leaned back, taking a sip of the still-hot tea. It was relieving that he’d finally calmed down.</p>
<p>“What are you going to do tomorrow?” Hinata asked him.</p>
<p>“Well… I don’t have a job any more so… I haven’t really thought of it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fine a job after this.”</p>
<p>Hinata remembered suddenly that he needed an editor. His last one was on maternity leave. He didn’t say anything.</p>
<p>“What about you, Hinata?”</p>
<p>“Me? Oh, well, I’m an author now, so I don’t really have a schedule. I just wake up, write, exercise and sleep.”</p>
<p>“Sounds peaceful,” Komaeda observed with a wistful smile.</p>
<p>“It’s lonely,” Hinata said, cursing his big mouth.</p>
<p>Komaeda opened his eyes, turning to look at him with an observant gaze. “Lonely?”</p>
<p>“Forget I said anything.”</p>
<p>Komaeda hummed. “I feel lonely too. I told you I don’t have friends because I don’t want to burden people. That’s partly the reason. The other part is that I can’t quite figure out how to make people like me. It’s been like that since I was a child.”</p>
<p>“Weren’t you friends with everyone at Hope’s Peak?” Hinata couldn’t stop himself from asking. He’d never talked with his classmates about what school life had been like for them while Hinata was in the reserve course.</p>
<p>“I unnerve people. And I did things back then that made people start to fear me. I was like this even before <em>her. </em>I don’t know why, but… partly I do.”</p>
<p>Hinata didn’t push for more, but he didn’t have to. Komaeda was caught in his monologue, staring at the wall as if it was playing a film of his soul.</p>
<p>“My talent – it was good luck, then bad luck, and that continued over and over again. The good luck started to get even better and the bad luck even worse to even it out, and I think all those tragedies followed by blessings did something to me as a child. Made me think differently. I started to hate myself, and fear myself, and I thought my only worth was to help my classmates without them really wanting me to. I think I justified acting immorally because I wasn’t doing it for my own benefit, but in a way I was still being selfish, because I wanted to help them in order to feel like I had an excuse to be there. To be a part of them. And I think a part of me wished they’d accept me, too.”</p>
<p>Hinata had never heard this side of the story. He’d caught snippets of his classmates’ conversations about the past, and sometimes those included a brief mention of Komaeda in them, but they were always vague and faintly unpleasant as if he’d been a spectre amongst them. Hearing this humanised his old enemy, and Hinata was sure if he was ready for Komaeda to be humanised. It made him pity him.</p>
<p>As if he’d heard Hinata’s thought Komaeda suddenly turned his attention to Hinata. “Don’t feel sorry for me, Hinata. You always were too kind.”</p>
<p>For a moment their eyes met. It felt so uncomfortable that Hinata had to look away.</p>
<p>“It’s been really hard for me to come to terms with everything that happened back then, especially with you.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Komaeda’s voice took on a dark tone, “you have every right to feel that way.”</p>
<p>“I don’t understand why you’re so nice now.”</p>
<p>“I’m not nice. My talent just started to go away quickly after the simulation. That allowed me to work things out in my head a bit, and to invest in therapy. After all,” he smirked wryly, “anything would be nice after how we left off.”</p>
<p>Hinata was surprised that he found himself laughing and Komaeda’s morbid joke, and when Komaeda joined in they couldn’t stop. Perhaps it was because it was so late, or because of the strange circumstances that saw them meeting again, but they couldn’t stop laughing for a fair few minutes, after which they were clutching their stomachs and panting. Their eyes caught again and this time Hinata didn’t feel the immediate need to look away. He remembered the first time he’d seen Komaeda in the simulation, the sun creating a halo around his head, pale green eyes looking down at Hinata in concern. In the years that followed Hinata had believed that Komaeda’s behaviour before the first trial had all been a façade, but now he was starting to think otherwise.</p>
<p>The softness in Komaeda’s gaze was the same as it had been all those years back.</p>
<p>For some reason, Hinata felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.</p>
<p>Komaeda stifled a yawn. Checking his phone, Hinata saw that it was already 2am. The trains would have definitely stopped running now. Damn. Komaeda must have seen the panic in his eyes. “Is everything okay?”</p>
<p>“Trains don’t run this late,” Hinata said anxiously.</p>
<p>“Oh, I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have made you stay so long. You can stay in one of the bedrooms here if you like? Or if you’re uncomfortable with that I can pay for a taxi for you.”</p>
<p>Hinata was strangely touched. “That’s not necessary, I can sleep here. I should be thanking you.”</p>
<p>“When you’re the one who came all the way here, so late at night, just to make sure I was okay?” Komaeda challenged him. Hinata could already tell he wouldn’t win the gratitude argument. “It is the least I could do. I could sleep downstairs, if you’re worried I’ll do anything.”</p>
<p>“I’m not worried,” Hinata said, and was surprised to find that it was true. All the anxious feelings he’d had since seeing Komaeda in the park had dissipated after their conversation and he felt better than he had in a long time. Even if he was suddenly exhausted. He stifled a yawn.</p>
<p>“I’m happy about that,” Komaeda said.</p>
<p>He showed Hinata to a large bedroom which was, just like the rest of the house, meticulously clean, even though the made bed showed no sign of recent use. Komaeda leant Hinata some pyjamas and an unopened toothbrush, showed him where the toiletries were stored in the en-suite bathroom, and bid him good night at the door, thanking him again for staying so late.</p>
<p>Hinata was tempted to collapse into the bed then and there, but he made himself at least wash his face, clean his teeth and change into more suitable attire before sleeping. As he was drifting off, buried in the no doubt expensive bedding, his heart beat slowly, without fear, and he felt at peace.</p>
<p>The pillows smelt pleasant, and his last conscious thought was if Komaeda’s hair smelt the same.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Lights go out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I apologise for how late I uploaded this, and if the quality is lacking at all. Just as I started editing I got hit by an ED breakdown and ended up having to spend a few hours sitting outside to calm down. My green tea even went cold while I was gone... So I finished the editing late in the night and quite exhausted, but it honestly helped a lot to be able to read through my work and realise that I have some sort of worth in this world :( </p>
<p>A lot of shit goes down in this chapter. Please tell me how you find the portrayal and pacing of it, because I'm quite inexperienced at this sort of writing. </p>
<p>I hope you are all doing well, lovely readers. Please enjoy &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A loud banging woke Hinata up. Groggily he tried to ignore it, but whoever it was they were persistent. The banging continued and Hinata decided he wouldn’t be granted any more sleep. The clock on the bed side table said it was just after 7:30am.</p>
<p>He got up and dressed in yesterday’s clothes hastily. As consciousness slowly returned to him, he noticed that the banging wasn’t at his own door but somewhere downstairs. Maybe Komaeda was having a fight with his empty fridge? As he exited his room the sound of barking started, which was the moment Hinata remembered Komaeda had a dog, too.</p>
<p>Komaeda was standing a few metres away from his front door, wringing his hands anxiously. He jumped when he heard Hinata’s footsteps down the stair, but when he saw it was only him he relaxed a little.</p>
<p>“What on earth’s going on?” Hinata asked.</p>
<p>“News stations,” Komaeda said worriedly, “they know where I live, somehow.”</p>
<p>“What?!” Hinata exclaimed.</p>
<p>“Believe me, this is just as much a surprise to me. I don’t know what to do. Is this legal?”</p>
<p>“Is the driveway your property?”</p>
<p>“I guess so.”</p>
<p>“They can’t be on your property, but they can stay just outside of it. If I were you, I’d tell them to go away, and threaten to call the police on them.”</p>
<p>Komaeda bit his lip. “What if they call the police on me?”</p>
<p>“There’s no evidence to convict you with,” Hinata said with more confidence than he felt.</p>
<p>“Okay…” Komaeda went to the door, and Hinata shrunk into the shadows of the staircase. If someone spotted him here that would only spell more trouble for both of them. Komaeda opened the door a crack and stuck his head through. “You can’t be here. It’s against the law.”</p>
<p>“Are you Komaeda Nagito? Can we have a statement about what Aiko has reported on the news last night?”</p>
<p>“I’ll call the police on you.” There was no force behind his words and Hinata wanted to bury his face in his hands.</p>
<p>“Is it true that you raped her?”</p>
<p>Komaeda closed the door with a slam, leaning his back on it. He’d become as pale as a sheet and he looked almost as bad as he had last night. “They won’t go.”</p>
<p>Hinata had half a mind to storm out there and demand they leave. God knows he’d be more forceful that Komaeda. Instead he pushed an old house phone into Komaeda’s hands. “Call the police.”</p>
<p>“I can’t,” Komaeda whined fearfully.</p>
<p>“You have to. Come on.”</p>
<p>Komaeda dialled 110 and put the phone to his ear. “Hello? Yes. There are reporters on my property and they won’t leave when I tell them. Well, no…” a nervous laugh, “perhaps I’m wasting your time…”</p>
<p>With a groan Hinata snatched the receiver from Komaeda. It was becoming more and more clear that Komaeda was completely and utterly useless at helping himself. “Hello? Yes, don’t mind what he said, there are reporters on his property and they refuse to leave.” The operative asked his name. “My name is Hinata Hajime. The owner of the property is Komaeda Nagito.” He told them the address Komaeda had given him last night. “My relation to him?” Hinata shared a look with Komaeda, who stared back helplessly. “I’m a friend of his. You’ll send someone to help? Thank you.”</p>
<p>Putting the phone down he looked smugly at Komaeda. “And that is how you don’t sabotage yourself.”</p>
<p>Komaeda laughed shakily. “You should know that I’m good at that by now, Hinata-kun.”</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” Hinata said, but laughed along with him. Both of them were flustered from the early morning and the anxiety of the unexpected harassment so they waited at the kitchen table sipping coffee as they waited for the police to disband the journalist. It took about an hour, but then the noise was gone and Komaeda looked a little less pale, and Hinata was struggling to comprehend how he’d just slept round Komaeda Nagito’s house and drank coffee with him in the morning.</p>
<p>The world truly operated by no rule book.</p>
<p>“I should probably get going. Coco is fine with being home alone for a while, but he’ll need to be let out to go toilet soon.”</p>
<p>“Of course!” Komaeda said, jumping to his feet, as eager to aid Hinata as ever. “Oh, would you mind saying hello to Michi? She’ll smell you in the house and end up howling if she doesn’t know where it comes from.”</p>
<p>“Michi? Your dog?” Hinata asked.</p>
<p>“Yeah!”</p>
<p>Komaeda opened the French doors and called Michi’s name. At first Hinata couldn’t see her, but then she tore across the generous lawn like a cloud on legs.</p>
<p>“No jumping!” Komaeda ordered her, and it somewhat worked, but only because Hinata knelt promptly down on the floor to greet her. She was all over him, tail wagging and smiling like a mad creature.</p>
<p>“Hello, hello,” Hinata laughed as she tried to later him with kisses. “Okay, okay that’s enough.”</p>
<p>“Michi, off,” Komaeda said and she reluctantly circled back to him. “She really likes you.”</p>
<p>“She can probably smell Coco on me.”</p>
<p>“Probably, yeah. But she also likes you. Let me call you a taxi.”</p>
<p>“Woah, Komaeda wait up, you don’t have to do that!” Hinata had to physically intercept him from his mobile, fishing it from the man’s determined hands and holding it behind his back, “honestly, it’s no problem. It only takes me twenty minutes to get back.”</p>
<p>Frowning, Komaeda relented, but only after forcing two thousand yen notes into Hinata’s hand and absolutely refusing to take them back.</p>
<p>As Hinata was leaving he paused, turning to say goodbye, and found himself wanting to say more. “I – thank you for letting me stay round. Please don’t apologise; you didn’t make me come. I wanted to make sure you were okay. And… I’m glad to get the opportunity to get to know the you now, without all that other stuff.”</p>
<p>Komaeda looked like he was going to cry again. “Thank you, Hinata, you don’t know how much that means to me.”</p>
<p>“Stay in touch, okay?”</p>
<p>“I will. I… thank you. For not hating me as much as I probably deserve.”</p>
<p>It was Hinata’s turn to frown. “Stop that. The past was a mess, yeah? I don’t know what’s right or wrong when it comes to <em>that. </em>Perhaps it was our fault – the rest of the class – for not giving you a chance outside of the simulation.”</p>
<p>Komaeda shook his head with a sad smile. “As you said, right and wrong is hard to determine in this case. So is hope and despair – don’t worry, I’m well past my days of obsessing over that. What I’m trying to say is that perhaps fault and blame – well, we’re well past that.”</p>
<p>“You’ve become a good person Komaeda,” Hinata said with assurance. He smiled, and when he left he could feel Komaeda’s on his back, watching as he walked away. There were no lingering reporters by the gate, but Hinata knew they’d be back and felt worry for what this would mean for his old acquaintance.</p>
<hr/>
<p>“You’re shaking.”</p>
<p>Komaeda clasped his hands to hide how nervous he was. Hinata was beside him, watching him intently, and then glancing back at the staff member who would signal for them to walk out for the press conference. Hinata looked determined and serious, as he always had during tough situations. It reassured Komaeda, because when he looked like this Hinata never lost.</p>
<p>Komaeda couldn’t fully quell his fear though. It was hard to think of something worse than willingly putting himself under public scrutiny. People already believed such awful things about him – not all of them lies. He had no doubt that he’d hear some soul-destroying accusations today. He’d believe some, for sure, and take them as an extra burden with him home. He’d been good at talking under pressure, back then, but Komaeda wasn’t sure at all if past him had cared what had happened, so long as he could be destroyed and the ultimates took a step closer towards a hope to end all despair.</p>
<p>He’d been foolish back then. Death didn’t solve anything, and it was truly something to fear.</p>
<p>Noticing Komaeda clutch his chest, Hinata asked if he was okay.</p>
<p>“Oh, yes,” Komaeda reassured him, “just a bad memory.”</p>
<p>The hatred of society felt like stab wounds itself.</p>
<p>“You can go up there now,” the staff member ushered them out to where they’d stand at the platform, microphone in front of them, and answer the questions that burned in everyone’s minds. Komaeda could tell that this was no longer about him. It hadn’t been since Hinata spoke out against the persecution against Komaeda – the unreliability of the accusations, and how everyone eagerly overlooked all of the despairs’ actions but Komaeda’s. (Even the despairs themselves). Hinata’s outrage had sparked doubt about the legitimacy of the despairs’ innocence.</p>
<p>“You ready,” Hinata asked.</p>
<p>Komaeda, forcing a look of determination onto his face, nodded.</p>
<p>They walked up to the platform side by side, the flashing of cameras blinding them.</p>
<p>Immediately, the press pounced on them like wolves. Komaeda hugged his arms around him, shifting uncomfortably under the stifling material of his fitted suit that he’d had to have dry cleaned as he’d found it at the back of his childhood cupboard. It was concerning it still fit him, really. Hinata seemed far more used to the attention, though Komaeda, adept at reading people, especially ultimates, could tell that he was uncomfortable. Not that Komaeda was worried. He knew that, though his motive was a mystery, he could trust Hinata to help him.</p>
<p>They took their place at the mic and a staff member managed to quiet the reporters enough to allow one to ask the first question.</p>
<p>“Yes, thank you,” the woman smiled, “Komaeda-san, could you address the accusations by Aiko-san about your sexual harassment of her at the workplace?”</p>
<p>Though he’d be expecting it, Komaeda’s heart still sunk. He stepped a little closer to the mic, repositioning it so it was level with his mouth. His hands were clammy, but he fisted them in the pristine fabric of his suit and answered, “while I respect Aiko-san’s feelings, no sexual harassment occurred from me. I would never lay a finger on my co-workers.”</p>
<p>A male journalist elbowed his way to the front, “so you’re accusing her of lying?”</p>
<p>Komaeda grit his teeth. “I am saying that for whatever reason she has twisted the truth in order to frame me as a sexual predator.”</p>
<p>“So you had no sexual relations with her?”</p>
<p>“None at all!” Komaeda retorted. He felt a hand on his sleeve, hidden by the stand. Hinata. His classmate was glancing at him, partly in warning and partly reassurance. Komaeda understood, and took a breath. “I will disclose what truly happened between us. Aiko-san discovered my true identity at some point and had it in her heart to look past what I’ve done in the past. However, she is young, and made some miss-guided advances towards me. I have to admit my guilt in that I did hit her, but only because I was kissed against my will.”</p>
<p>A woman was speaking now. “So your female co-worker forced herself on you? Is that what you’re saying?”</p>
<p>Komaeda shrugged, “yes, it is.”</p>
<p>“You can’t be serious!” Another reporter retorted, “no one has ever heard of such a ridiculous thing!”</p>
<p>“I can’t believe a man is claiming something like that.”</p>
<p>Hinata cleared his throat. “If I may speak? This conference isn’t about if Komaeda wanted to be kissed by that girl or not. It’s about false sexual assault allegations and the fact that Komaeda is now facing harassment from both the press and the public.”</p>
<p>“If you pardon me, Hinata-san, isn’t it true that you portrayed Komaeda-san’s actions in your book – your <em>factual </em>book, may I add – as extremely negative and morally bankrupt? Did you not detail how his actions ended up in the death of who you believed at the time to be a living girl?” The reporters had turned on Hinata now, accusation gleaming in their predatory eyes.</p>
<p>“Well maybe I was wrong to say those things,” Hinata challenged them, “maybe all of us despairs have gone through a severe amount of trauma which has led to us all carrying out harmful actions towards others. My books is about my emotions and how I experienced the events at the time, and at the time I was deeply fearful and angry at Komaeda.” He took a deep breath. “But the Komaeda I know now – who has actively moved away from his past – is a kind and humble person who doesn’t deserve the scrutiny he’s getting. You were so quick to forgive me and all the others, but maybe that’s just because Komaeda became an easier target for all the blame.”</p>
<p>Komaeda was breathless at his speech. He couldn’t help but steal a glance at Hinata, standing defiant and angry and proud next to him – <em>defending </em>him. He was so used to that anger turned towards him that he’d failed to realise how formidable Hinata truly was when he cared about something.</p>
<p>Cared about something. <em>Cared </em>about something.</p>
<p>It wasn’t the right time to think about the implications of that.</p>
<p>The reporters hadn’t received it well, though. They were professional and adept at picking at someone’s weaknesses, immune to any argument against their predetermined narrative.</p>
<p>“Are you admitting to lying in your book?”</p>
<p>“That is not what I said, I-”</p>
<p>“So if Komaeda’s actions were as you said, why do you argue that he is redeemable? Is it not possible that he could repeat offence? Set up a murder? Frame someone for murder? If the future foundation hadn’t protected you – all of you – you would all be in prison for your actions, am I right?”</p>
<p>Ice pricked Komaeda’s skin and his vision blurred. He kept his stance, admirably, albeit with a slight wobble.</p>
<p>“We were infected with despair. We were Junko’s pawns as much as the untalented students who rioted at Hope’s Peak. That is why we are protected. If we committed a crime now we would be treated as anyone else would, but I think you’ll find that in all these years we’ve all remained good citizens. We have done as much as we can to build this country back up and make up for our past failures.”</p>
<p>Hinata did an admirable job of trying to deter the accusations, of trying to reason with the unreasonable press, but in the end both he and Komaeda were forced to return to the privacy of a small waiting room to be dismissed. They’d both said everything they’d had to say, but for every good point they made came two more point used against them. The reporters had been ruthless, Komaeda thought. They’d dug at every pain the both of them had and then stuck their nails into it, reopening wounds that should have stayed closed.</p>
<p>Both of them were shaken, and it seemed completely reasonable to collapse against each other once they had the luxury of privacy in the waiting room. They sat on a small couch and just leaned against one another, shaking with the effort to keep the trauma of the past at bay, and amongst his tremulous emotions Komaeda noticed that this was the first time he’d felt like he and Hinata were equal. Equal in their pain; equal as victims.</p>
<p>They stayed like that for a long time and when they parted it felt natural to pretend it never happened. Hinata scrolled through his phone, frowning slightly.</p>
<p>“Is everything okay?” Komaeda asked.</p>
<p>“It’s just my – <em>our </em>classmates worrying. They saw the press conference.”</p>
<p>“It didn’t go well. I hope this doesn’t bring trouble to you.”</p>
<p>Hinata smiled grimly. “Me too. But I had to do the right thing. I feel partially responsible for writing what I did in my book.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay. It’s as you said anyway, that book was about how you felt. You never claimed to describe everything that happened from an impartial view. No one could expect that from you.”</p>
<p>“I know, but the result is the same, isn’t it? I published it to humanise us victims of Junko, but in the end I truly ended up putting the blame on you. Komaeda – I’m so sorry for that. I messed up.”</p>
<p>Komaeda’s reaction was almost one of panic. “Please! Don’t be sorry! I could never blame you for that!”</p>
<p>Hinata’s eyes were soft when he said, “you truly are a good person.”</p>
<p>Komaeda didn’t have the words or actions to react to that.</p>
<hr/>
<p>A few days later Komaeda was spending a sleepless night sitting at the kitchen counter, sipping green tea, and scrolling endlessly through his phone. Michi was curled up in her bed, looking up every now and then when Komaeda made a sound or yawned, but was quick to return to her dozing. Komaeda liked how she made him feel less alone, especially during these long nights haunted by memories.</p>
<p>It was difficult to live in his childhood home when his childhood had been so tragic. He still had memories of eating at the kitchen table with his parents. His father would be quiet and serious while his mother spoke distantly about things she’d read in the news or what her friends had talked about last time she’d met them. Not that she’d had the opportunity to meet them often after Komaeda was born, something which they inadvertently reminded him of constantly. His parents were less present than most, but Komaeda cherished those moments of sitting with them and listening with innocent wonder at the empty words they filled the air with.</p>
<p>Yuki made up for the abandonment. She’d been excitable as a puppy but had grown into an intelligent, energetic dog who was loyal to a fault to Komaeda. And he loved her. He adored her more than any of the children in his class, and probably more than his parents themselves. In her short life, she’d given him the best friendship he’d ever had. To this day.</p>
<p>The ghosts of his past liked to haunt him if he stayed in a room for too long, but the light of his phone chased them away for now. He’d exchanged more than a few messages with Hinata since the disastrous press conference. Friendly messages that made his chest feel warm. He’d also received abuse from the few co-workers of his to whom he’d given his number, but it was easy to block them and try to breathe away their hatred.</p>
<p>Hajime was no longer active online, and Komaeda guessed that he’d probably fallen asleep by now. He’d been staying up late recently, though he didn’t tell Komaeda why and Komaeda didn’t ask. Komaeda was observant though, and guessed he was writing.</p>
<p>In lieu of talking to his classmate, Komaeda had been scrolling through the few research articles that detailed studies on despair disease. It was a universal anxiety that a new pandemic of it may emerge, though Komaeda was sure it was impossible without the presence of <em>that woman. </em>He was more interested in the details of the disease itself. How it affected one’s mind and which parts of it. The therapies offered to the lucky few who lived to tell their bleak tale. There was a distinct lack of attention payed to studying it in a scientific context however. It was a difficult and sensitive field. Komaeda could understand why many would be apprehensive.</p>
<p>None the less, he ached for purpose, though he couldn’t quite identify the cure to his longing.</p>
<p>The banging started at around half past two in the morning. At first it sounded as if someone was pounding heavily on his front door. Komaeda was instantly alert, bolting upright in his stool as Michi jumped to her feet, ears erect. It continued for amount half a minute and then stopped, but Komaeda knew better than to relax. Glancing nervously at the French doors that led to his back garden and relieved to see that no one was there, he backed away towards them slowly, calling Michi to his side.</p>
<p>The there was the sound of a window smashing – then two – and Michi, shivering with tension, sprang forward before Komaeda could hold her back, barking and howling at the intruders.</p>
<p>“Michi no!” Komaeda yelled, abandoning a quiet escape in favour or running after his dog, who was barking and growling at three figures who’d broken the windows and climbed into his house through them, like horrifying, faceless insects. Their faces were covered by masks and they were each wearing hooded jackets or jumpers. One of them had a baseball bat – was that what had broken the window? – but the others were either unarmed or had weapons concealed.</p>
<p>Adrenaline was racing through Komaeda’s veins, but as soon as the strangers set eyes on him he froze. Michi was barking and barking, her curled tail firmly between her legs. At first the men were cautious of her, but then one of them kicked at her, hard, and she yelped, looking back at Komaeda, and then circled back behind him. Michi was a good dog, but she was soft and used to the friendliness of others. Komaeda wanted to wring the neck of the man who’d kicked her. His limbs remained stiff and unmoveable, however.</p>
<p>“There he is, the crazy bastard. Murderer! Rapist!” The seemingly leader of the group shouted, his bat pointed at Komaeda.</p>
<p>Half acting, Komaeda put his hands up and took a step back.</p>
<p>“I’ve been waiting a long time to find where you live, scum. You watched as my parents were killed! But you don’t remember me, do you?”</p>
<p>“I-I don’t want a fight,” Komaeda said, taking a few more steps back. He stopped when he noticed the glimmer of a knife concealed at another man’s side, flashed for the benefit of warning.</p>
<p>The ringleader laughed, loud and ugly and cheerless. “Of course you don’t! You don’t stand a chance without your despair friends.” He turned to his friends. “Get him outside.”</p>
<p>Before Komaeda had the chance to flee, the two other man had his arms and were yanking him roughly out of his own front door. One of them had a hand in his hair and used it to shove him to his knees, and then force him prostrate, pushing his face into the cold earth. Barely able to breathe, Komaeda feebly struggled, catching a glimpse of his house as one of the unmarred windows smashed from the inside. The sounds coming from it were telling at what exactly was going on. The loud sounds of destruction broke the otherwise peaceful night air.</p>
<p>“Please, stop – let me <em>go,” </em>Komaeda protested futilely. He knew the hatred these men carried; it was the hatred of the entire nation. But he did not deserve this. Recently, that had been becoming more and more apparent to him.</p>
<p>“Shut the fuck up you piece of shit,” one said, slamming Komaeda’s face into the ground. Komaeda felt a warm pain trickling from his nose. He hoped it wasn’t broken.</p>
<p>“Aren’t you the Ultimate Lucky Student?” One asked.</p>
<p>Komaeda ignored the question. His position surely answered for him.</p>
<p>The sounds of smashing paused, and the leader came striding across his lawn towards them. Komaeda wondered if he should be fearful for his life. Perhaps this is when they kill him, taking revenge for the loved ones Komaeda had hurt back when his name had been Servant. He wished he could say that he wasn’t scared and that he’d accepted death, but Komaeda had just been starting to discover what life could be free from the chains of hope and despair and the punishing cycle of his luck. And he had a friend. That’s what they were, right? Komaeda and Hinata? Friends helped each. Friends came over in the middle of the night to make sure the other was okay.</p>
<p>For a moment, Komaeda saw Hinata’s eyes, sharp with anger and determination.</p>
<p>“No!” He shouted, bucking wildly in an attempt to free himself from the men before their leader could come any closer. One of the men when flying, but the other one still had a hand fisted in his hair and pulled Komaeda’s head back agonisingly as he slipped.</p>
<p>“Shut up!” The ringleader yelled, delivering a swift kick to Komaeda’s kidney. Komaeda doubled over immediately, clutching at his side.</p>
<p>Komaeda missed the interaction between his attackers, and missed when the ringleader left with a bottle of clear fluid and a lighter. He didn’t miss the horror of the grass around him being illuminated by a billow of orange flames eating into the black sky. He turned his head. His house was on fire. The home he’d spent his miserable childhood, and the place he’d returned to after the world had ended, building back his life again from the ground. Now, it was the enduring house that was being burnt to the ground.</p>
<p>Where was Michi? Where were his lost memories?</p>
<p>Not long after a siren became audible in the distance and his attackers scattered. Komaeda could have tried to follow after them, but instead he lay in the grass, defeated but alive. He savoured the feeling of the damp earth beneath him and the way the hairs on his arms raised against the cold. He was alive and his body suffered with it. How glad he was for that suffering. A wet nose prodded a his face and he felt tears spill over as Michi lay by his side, lapping at the salty wetness of his face. She was alive, too.</p>
<p>He was hated, but he was so glad to be alive and forgiven by Hinata. His house was blazing not one hundred metres from where he lay. But the memories it held were mostly bad, so he could forgive it for dying.</p>
<p>The night sky wasn’t too overcast for the moon to watch over him while the firemen and ambulance arrived.</p>
<p>He felt a numb tingling as the paramedics helped him into a sitting position and sat him in the back of the ambulance, prodding his body for injuries. He could barely feel the pain, but when he told them that they said that it was likely from shock, and he should be prepared for an uncomfortable healing process. He was bruised and one of his ribs may have been broken (time would tell) but apart from that he was mercifully unscathed.</p>
<p>He was very insisted that they give Michi a once over as well, to ensure that she was also unharmed.</p>
<p>Once they were sure that Komaeda was okay he was informed that he’d be required to be interviewed by the police the next day, which Komaeda wasn’t happy about but agreed to easily. After all, it would be troublesome for such violent vandals to go free.</p>
<p>There was the problem, however, of where Komaeda would live while he worked out what to do with his house’s corpse.</p>
<p>“Do you have any friends or family who would let you sleep at their place?” A female paramedic asked him gently.</p>
<p>“No, I…” he thought for a moment, “actually, could I call a friend to ask if he’d take me?”</p>
<p>She nodded and Komaeda searched through the contacts in his phone until he found Hinata’s number.</p>
<p>“<em>Hello?”</em></p>
<p>“Hajime,” the sound of Hinata’s voice was enough to make Komaeda relax, “I have a favour to ask of you, but please don’t agree unless you’re completely sure.”</p>
<p>“A favour? What is it?”</p>
<p>“I need somewhere to stay short term and I was wondering if I could sleep on your sofa?”</p>
<p>“What happened? Are you okay?” Hinata asked frantically, any remaining sleep that laced his voice gone.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry about me, everything’s okay. If it would be inconvenient I’m sure I could find a hotel to stay for a while.”</p>
<p>“No, no, it’s okay! You can stay here if you need to.”</p>
<p>Although Hinata couldn’t see him, Komaeda smiled softly. “I really can’t thank you enough.”</p>
<p>“Its fine. Do you need me to pick you up?”</p>
<p>“I have a ride, it’s fine. But could I have your address?”</p>
<p>“Of course!”</p>
<p>Komaeda noted Hinata’s address and once the call was ended handed the slip of paper to the paramedic. “It seems I do have a friend who will take me,” Komaeda laughed quietly.</p>
<p>Returning the smile she led him to a police car, where an officer took the address and keyed it into his satnav. Michi was delighted to be let into the car and curled up on the seat beside Komaeda while he rested his head against the cool window and watched the city go by as he was driven to Hinata’s apartment. The officer didn’t make much conversation but was kind enough, and helped Komaeda out of the car once they arrived. Komaeda’s ribs were starting to smart with every breath he took.</p>
<p>Komaeda hadn’t seen Hinata’s home before, but the apartment block looked nice enough, if a bit plain. He was quick to answer the intercom and buzzed the door open. Komaeda thanked the officer before making his way up the stairs, Michi bounding ahead without a lead (it had been inside the house, and no one had been allowed in. This also meant that Komaeda had only the clothes on his back to his name).</p>
<p>Hinata was at his door once Komaeda arrived. The expression on his face was concerned and stern, and he ushered Komaeda and Michi into his place hastily. Once they were inside he closed the door and turned around with his arms crossed.</p>
<p>“I saw a police car. Tell me what happened.”</p>
<p>Komaeda laughed uneasily, hands held up in his defence. “It’s not how it looks Hajime. I just had an issue with… some house intruders, and my house will take a while to repair.”</p>
<p>Hinata’ expression quickly turned to worry. “Intruders? What happened?”</p>
<p>“It’s nothing, really, they-”</p>
<p>“Tell me everything. I’m having you at my place right? I deserve to know.”</p>
<p>Seeing he didn’t have much choice, Komaeda relented and recounted the events of the night. He couldn’t bring himself to watch Hinata’s expression’s change as he told him what had happened, so he kept his eyes firmly on a framed photograph of Hinata, somewhere in the countryside, with Souda, Pekoyama and Kuzuryu. They smiled at him as he described how the strangers tried to burn his house down but had ultimately failed.</p>
<p>When he was finished Hinata frowned at him in silence. Then he said, “oh my god Komaeda, I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Please don’t apologise.”</p>
<p>Hinata sighed. “Never mind. You look exhausted. You can take my bed for tonight, I’ll show you the way.”</p>
<p>“The sofa is more than sufficient, Hinata,” Komaeda game him a small smile, slightly strained.</p>
<p>“If you’re sure… I’ll get you some bedding.”</p>
<p>Hinata disappeared and Komaeda sunk onto the firm sofa, slumping into the cushions Hinata had arranged on it. He let his head fall back so that he was looking out of the window out to a glimmering city view, and then slid his eyes round the humble room which was both impersonal and very Hinata at the same time.</p>
<p>“Do you want tea or anything?” Hinata asked as he returned.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Komaeda told him, his smile slightly more genuine this time as he happily received the bundle of soft bedding Hinata offered him. “I’m just really tired. You’ve done more than enough, I promise. You should get some sleep too.”</p>
<p>Hinata rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, I probably should.”</p>
<p>“I’ll see you in the morning.”</p>
<p>“Yes… good night Komaeda.”</p>
<p>Hinata left, closing the door to his room quietly.</p>
<p>Komaeda sighed. “Good night, Hajime.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Breathe again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW for 'f' slur</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi friends, I'm back! I have to apologise that this chapter hasn't been proofread, but I've been very anxious the past few days. Partly because uni is starting up again and who the hell knows how that's gonna go, but mostly because I'm going on a date with an extremely pretty and intelligent girl this afternoon (I have to leave in half an hour, in fact) so of course I have to post now if I'm gonna post today. Wish me luck! I'm a massive gay mess and I've never dated anyone I didn't know at least a bit before, so this is new for me. Exciting, but for someone with anxiety, terrifying as well. </p><p>I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm planning on touching a bit on Souda in the future chapters, as y'all can probably tell he's got some issues. I hope everyone has a nice evening &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em>So apparently you’re best friends with Komaeda now.”</em></p><p>“If you called to pick a fight, Kazuichi, I’d rather not.”</p><p>
  <em>“A fight? Don’t you remember all the fights Komaeda picked? You can’t be stupid enough to fall for his innocent victim guise. That guy was a creep in the past, and from the sound of it he’s an even bigger creep now.”</em>
</p><p>“Oh and I suppose you know that from speaking to him in person, huh?” Hinata clutched his phone tightly in his clammy hand. He’d known that one of his friends would call sooner or later after the press conference that he’d supported Komaeda through, and honestly, he wasn’t surprised at all that it was Souda who’d made his displeasure known the fastest. But Hinata was tired. The past few days had been a nightmare. Komaeda had become a permanent fixture on his couch at night, and during the day Hinata was shying away from work to go with him to the police station to give them information about the incident. It wasn’t Komaeda’s presence that had been draining him. If anything, it was nice to have company for once. But the mental strain the paranoia and legal matters placed on them both was enough to bring them both down.</p><p>One the other side of the phone, Hinata heard Souda give a crackly sigh, and then he said in a surprisingly soft tone, <em>“we’re just worried about you. We don’t know what he’s capable of, and you’ve always taken responsibility for keeping us all in check – too much really.”</em></p><p>“Look, I appreciate it, I really do. But you don’t have to worry. He’s changed. I… I guess we <em>are </em>friends now, and it’s… nice.”</p><p>
  <em>“You were friends in the simulation too, before…”</em>
</p><p>“I know what you think but you don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine. Komaeda is fine. You don’t have to baby me.”</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t like it.”</em>
</p><p>“I know, but we’re adults now. Big enough to make our own decisions.”</p><p><em>“I don’t know about that,” </em>Souda commented wryly.</p><p>Hinata allowed himself to laugh, “yeah, okay, maybe. You can comment on the company I keep after you stop trying to pick up girls at bars okay? Remember the whole adult thing.”</p><p><em>“You’re an asshole,” </em>Souda said, but Hinata could hear the smile in his voice.</p><p>“We can talk more at the wedding. I’m kind of bogged down with packing right now.”</p><p>
  <em>“Tell me about it. Why’d they have to get married in Novoselic when literally all of their friends live in Japan?”</em>
</p><p>“I don’t know, but it may be nice to get away for a while.”</p><p>
  <em>“Sure, away from K-”</em>
</p><p>“<em>Don’t </em>say it.”</p><p>“<em>Fine. Well, I’ll see you this weekend then. Good luck with the whole traveling thing.”</em></p><p>“Yeah, you too. Bye!”</p><p>Hinata tossed his phone onto the duvet beside him, laying back on his bed with a groan. It wasn’t even noon and already he felt like he was tired enough for a full night’s sleep. And there was the matter of packing, too, seeing as the past few days he’d been too busy to think about the upcoming wedding and short holiday.</p><p>“Trouble in paradise?” Komaeda popped a fluffy head round Hinata’s door.</p><p>“I’m so tired,” Hinata moaned, flopping his arms uselessly on the mattress. “Souda is tiring.”</p><p>“He cares about you though.”</p><p>“I know. I sometimes wish he <em>didn’t.”      </em></p><p><em>“</em>It’s good to have people who care about you,” Komaeda reminded him, as if Hinata wasn’t feeling guilty enough.</p><p>“You make me sad sometimes,” he shot a look at the man at his door.</p><p>Komaeda tilted his head. “I’d say sorry, but you’d tell me off again.”</p><p>Ah yes. The constant apologising had quickly gotten old.</p><p>Dragging himself into the living room, Hinata stared down at the offensively empty suitcase as if he could fill it with pure willpower. Komaeda followed him like a lost puppy, which probably should have annoyed Hinata, but instead he found it endearing. <em>God </em>how perceptions change.</p><p>“How about I make some lunch whilst you get started on packing?” Komaeda suggested.</p><p>“You’re a lifesaver,” Hinata said with a grin, crouching down to embrace the unpleasant task. They continued like that for an hour, Komaeda occupied in the kitchen while Hinata tried to think carefully about what he’d need for a few days in a country across the world. In between the chaos of everything, this was how things had become. Mundane and normal, and, god forbid Hinata admit it, domestic. Komaeda was pleasant to have around. Hinata found himself significantly less lonely when there was someone to talk to day by day, and Komaeda was always eager to help around.</p><p>They took turns paying for the groceries, and Komaeda was keen to clean the house when he wasn’t pouring over legal matters. He said it destressed him, and Hinata wasn’t about to complain. If anything, he was reluctant about the prospect of Komaeda leaving when his house was finally repaired.</p><p>For all the pain that occupied their past, it felt terribly natural to be living together. Hinata felt more than fond of Komaeda already, in the short time he’d become reacquainted with him.</p><p>Hinata was nearly done with packing when Komaeda walked in with two platefuls of ride and vegetables, putting them down on the table and arranging the cutlery with obsessive accuracy. He weant back into the kitchen and returned carrying a pot of tea and some cups. Hinata stretched, leaving the task where it was, and went to sit at the table.</p><p>“Will you be okay while I’m away? I feel kind of bad asking you to take care of the house, and of Coco.”</p><p>“Really, it’s my pleasure,” Komaeda smiled, chewing a mouthful of food. Hinata’s eyes caught on the glimpse of Komaeda’s tongue as it wet his lips.</p><p>“Aren’t you scared?” Hinata, if he were Komaeda would have probably been paranoid that the same people who’d damaged the house would find the new place he was staying, and damage that as well, or worse.</p><p>“I accept these things. Maybe it’s something I learned from the past, but I try not to agonise about the bad things that could happen. Bad things will always happen.”</p><p>Hinata opened his mouth to challenge Komaeda’s pessimism, but Komaeda beat him to it.</p><p>“No that I think I’m the <em>only </em>one bad things happen to. They happen to all of us, in everyone’s lives. For me, I wouldn’t cope if I got caught up on it all, so I acknowledge it, and then move on. I can’t live in fear.”</p><p>“I see your point,” Hinata said, swallowing the last mouthful of his meal and washing it down with the tea. It was Jasmine. Calming, and just what he needed. “I guess I just can’t empathise. I’m the sort of person who sees the bad in my life and fights hard to make sure it won’t come back.”</p><p>“That’s so very you,” Komaeda chuckled, “and if it works for you I’m glad. You always were a fighter.”</p><p>“Yes, well – ” Hinata swallowed, unsure how to respond. There were these moments amongst the ease the two had together that reminded him of how elusive Komaeda’s true opinions could be. Sometimes, Hinata felt as if he was playing a guessing game with the other man, like he spoke in riddles just for fun (though Hinata didn’t think this was the case, like it had been in the game).</p><p>There had been something on Hinata’s mind since meeting Komaeda again, and the short conversation with Souda earlier had reminded him of it. He was hesitant to ask, but finally his curiosity got the better of him. “Were we friends before?” Hinata asked.</p><p>Komaeda blinked. “Where has this come from?”</p><p>“Nowhere really. Just… when I wrote my book, I’d intended to use it to understand what had happened all that time ago, so that I could move on from it. And for a while it seemed to have worked. But meeting you has really made me rethink how I saw things. Was I immature to hate you?”</p><p>“Not at all! I would have hated me if I were you as well. It’s not like I did those things to hurt you all, but I didn’t care at all if you were collateral damage. I did what I thought was right, but in the end it was very, very wrong.”</p><p>“So we weren’t friends at all then?”</p><p>“Hmm… no, I wouldn’t say that either. There was a moment back then, before Monokuma appeared, back when everything was going to plan. I remember that part so lucidly, whilst the rest feels as if I was merely dreaming. I guess that’s what its like to be in despair, though I have a feeling my version of that is quite unique. Not to brag – quite the contrary! Anyhow, before I became desperate to make a difference before a death that I saw as inevitable I was so happy to be there with everyone, and it felt like the first time I could stand with you all as equals. Perhaps you wouldn’t agree, but at that point I saw you all as friends.”</p><p>Komaeda had a quality about him as he reminised. Hinata was jealous of it. Thinking of the past, for him, was always tricky and painful, like extracting flint from a wound that ended up only increasing the bloodflow. It felt as if he’d spent years trying to come to terms with it but had ended up running away from the ttrue problems. He didn’t even know what the problems were, so to find a solution – something to fill the emptiness that gave him numb hunger every day – was near impossible.</p><p>Komaeda, ironmically enough, appeared to have the past all worked out.</p><p>Hinata sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I can’t make sense of any of it. A whole book through and even though people see me as an authority of what happened, I’m just as clueless as everyone else.”</p><p>“That’s because there was no sense to it,” Komaeda said and reached across the table to put a hand on top of Hinata’s own.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“There’s no sense in despair. There was no meaning to what happened. No learning experience. We’re all worse off for it and far too many livs have been lost. All we can do is pick up the pieces.”</p><p>Hinata smiled, oddly touched. He turned over his hand so that their palms touched and felt cool delicacy of Komaeda’s skin against his own. The feeling of human contact filled him with a sense of serenity.</p><p>Soon enough Komaeda drew his hand back and smiled apologetically. They didn’t exchange many more words that evening, but the silence was comfortable.</p><hr/><p>Sonia’s smile never failed to light up the room. Not that she needed to trouble herself with it with how finely the wedding venue was decorated. As was typical for the young heiress the venue was decorated to perfection, with each and every element considered to a t. There was a theme of opposing light and dark with gothic influences softened by renaissance art. It fitted the odd couple perfectly, though Hinata felt horribly out of place with how mundane he looked in his suit, like a salaryman had transported for the streets of Tokyo to the obscure European country.</p><p>It was the wedding reception. The service had been long and painful, especially considering how a lot of it was in Novoselician with spatters of Japanese to make the experience more bearable for the handful of Japanese guests who’d come to see the couple. Now, Hinata and his old classmates made a group in the corner of the room whilst the aristocracy of Novoselic mingled amongst each other.</p><p>Like always, Souda was glued to Hinata’s side. “Man, that was a long service!” He complained.</p><p>Akane joined them, a chicken drumstick in hand. “You okay there?” She asked, side eyeing Souda.</p><p>“Why wouldn’t I be?!” Souda snapped.</p><p>Hinata rubbed his back absently. It had been years since everyone was here together, Years aoart from the close friends they’d become, but years also of escape from the usual tensions that arose between members of the group.</p><p>“There there” Ibuki sprung up beside them, grinning so widely her dimples looked like little craters in her cheeks.</p><p>“How are you finding the music here,” Hinata asked.</p><p>“Hmm… it’s not usually my taste, but the instruments! Don’t they look amazing.”</p><p>“They sure do.”</p><p>“Guys! It’s so good to see you!” Came Sonia’s melodic voice, “thank you so much for coming!” Her wedding dress had taken up half of the room, glittering with jewels. Now she wore a conservative gown, emerald green, swishing round her ankles. Beside her Gundam stood with his hand interlaced with hers, a content smile on his face. Looking at him made Hinata slightly jealous at how confident he seemed that his life was going the way it was meant to.</p><p>“Thank you for inviting us, and for paying the fares,” Hinata said after hugging her and Gundam.</p><p>“The flight was long though,” Souda scowled.</p><p>Sonia ignored the man’s bad mood with a patient smile.</p><p>“It’s a shame you live so far away now. We can get together quite often when we’re in Japan,” Akane commented.</p><p>“Though it’s not like we do, in the end,” said Hinata, “everyone is so busy, and our schedules clash so often.”</p><p>“And some of us have brats to think about now,” Kuzuryuu joined, baby in arms.</p><p>Sonia gasped in delight and the girls gathered round the infant as if entranced. The baby was indeed quite a size for his age, heavy and fat and healthy. It was almost as if he dwarfed the slight frame of his father. He reached out a chubby hand and grasped Sonia’s finger before promptly putting it in his mouth. Sonia was laughing the whole time, and Hinata couldn’t help but smile too. If only things could always be like this, where they were all together.</p><p>“He’s lovely,” she told Kuzuryuu.</p><p>“He’s great, yeah,” the small man grinned. “How’s the zoo?” He asked Gundam.</p><p>“My minions are doing well,” Gundam informed them.</p><p>“Minions?” Hinata asked.</p><p>“Pets,” Sonia explained. “We’re gathering quite the collection, aren’t we?”</p><p>As the group began speaking about the various animals they had Hinata took the chance to excuse himself, wandering through the intricate hallways of the venue without any particular direction. Further away from the main hall the building was dark and quiet which was a welcome relief from the business that characterised the party. It was always they way when the class got back together, and even more so now with the lively customs of Novoselic. After a while Hinata always needed some space.</p><p>He found it rather sad, but there was always a nagging sense of otherness when he was with the others., He knew that they loved him, and he loved them in return. But he’d joined them a lot later, and even during despair was he on a whole other level from them. It was hard to describe, but there was something that separated those with talent from those without. Perhaps those with talent just had the inherent confidence that they had the right to be there.</p><p>Sighing, Hinata sat by a large window that overlooked the gorgeous countryside of Novoselic. It was a misty days and clouds rolled over the mountains and through the valleys, saturating the scene with a hint of eerie loneliness. He took out his phone and snapped a picture, then opened the message notification he had from Komaeda.</p><p>He smiled at his phone, the blue light illuminating his face in the otherwise dark room. It was a picture of Coco and Michi in the park he and Komaeda had bumped into each other not long ago. Coco was laying on his back while Michi was mid-lick on his face. Both dogs smiled at the camera.</p><p>He typed <em>You’re taking good care of them I see, </em>adding a smile emoji.</p><p>“Who’re you texting?” A voice said over his shoulder, making his jump.</p><p>“Christ Souda! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”</p><p>“Why the hell are you texting Komaeda?” Souda scowled, sharp teeth bared.</p><p>“Why the hell is it your business?” Hinata retaliated.</p><p>“Are you stupid? You can’t be this stupid. He’s <em>crazy, </em>Hinata, he hurt us all and even if you don’t care about yourself, don’t you realise you’re betraying all of us by acting all friendly with him?”</p><p>“This isn’t some teen drama! We’ve all gone through so much bullshit you’d think by now that you’d have grown up and gotten past the point of trying to control your friends like some goddamn jealous boyfriend! Why do you care so much!”</p><p>The anger welling up in Souda was visible, and Hinata saw him bristle before he was pushed against the window and held at the lapels of his good suit. “Why’d you have to do this, huh? Aren’t the friends you already have good enough for you? Or are you so insecure about being fucking talentless that you suck up to everyone who’s even mildly better than you?”</p><p>Hinata shoved his friend back with all his strength, shaking at the attack. He opened his mouth to shout, but the words stuck in his throat. He growled in frustration, turning to stride across the room, wringing his hands. Behind him Souda cussed.</p><p>When he could breathe again he spoke, his words strangely steady. “I’m not the one who’s bringing up the past, and I’m not the one attacking my friends because of some grudge from years ago. You know what? In the short time since I met Komaeda again, he’s been nicer to me than you have been all year. And I can bet you that his struggles are a bit more serious than denying his sexuality.”</p><p>“What the hell are you saying?” Souda snarled.</p><p>“About what? You being gay? Everyone know it!” Hinata could feel the cruelty in his words and felt a sick pleasure at the fear in Souda’s expression.</p><p>“I’m not some faggot!” Souda snarled.</p><p>Hinata decided to walk away before he could say anything to hurt their friendship even more. Before Souda could say anything to hurt <em>him </em>any more.</p><p>Souda’s voice rang out from the room that Hinata had just left, “I’m fucking not!”</p><p>Hinata walked tensely away, reeling.</p><p>He re-joined the party, but he was no longer in the mood for festivities. His flight was early next morning, and he had a room booked for the night at a hotel near the airport. His head was full to the brim with thoughts and his body still trembled from emotion. He could tell that as soon as he was alone he’d break down in some way or another, and he wanted to get that over and done with so that he could have a decent night sleep and decent flight back to Japan.</p><p>“Hinata,” Sonia greeted him. She could tell instantly that something was bothering him. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s fine Sonia,” he said putting on a smile. It wasn’t completely forced; talking to her always made him feel better naturally. “I’m going to make a move now. I have an early flight tomorrow.”</p><p>“Oh, okay! Thank you for coming. It means the world to me. Nothing makes me happier than when we’re all together.”</p><p>“Me too,” Hinata said, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze with the promise in his eyes that he’d talk to her later. <em>Enjoy yourself, enjoy your wedding celebration. </em>“Where’s Akane? I want to talk to her before I leave.”</p><p>“Where else?” Sonia smiled, gesturing to the buffet. Hinata should have known better than to ask.</p><p>“Hey! Hinata!” Akane greeted him as he came over.</p><p>“I’m heading off now. I just wanted to have a word about the class reunion in February.”</p><p>“Sure!”</p><p>“I’m going to invite Komaeda.”</p><p>Her mouth fell open, and Hinata got a good eyeful of what she’d been eating.</p><p>“Just… so you know. Anyway, I have to go. See you soon!”</p><p>“Hinata!”</p><p>But Hinata had already escaped outside. He called a taxi and thought about his fucked-up life as he was driven to the hotel.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Army of two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Take note that sexy times happen here. It was as impulsive for me to write it as it was for them to do it. So you're welcome. I tried to depict it a little more realistically than some other fanfics I've read, though I'm new to writing this sort of thing so I hope I do it justice :) </p><p>Sorry I missed my last update slot! It's been over a month now since I last updated - I'm so sorry! I mentioned in my last author's note that I had a date with a cute girl. She turned out to be a cute, transphobic girl, and her rant, that yes I sat through silently (because c o w a r d) sent my usually chill amounts of dysphoria spiralling into havoc. It's been quite rough, lately :') </p><p>I also started uni, and my uni as per usual liked to make things as difficult as possible to organise at the beginning of the semester. It's all sorted now, but my heart is to soft for this. I'm finally able to enjoy everything now! Enjoy my final year of university, and look forward to moving in January, as I have finally found a housemate to live with! </p><p>I've ran out of backlogged chapters for this story now, so I think I'm gonna make my updates monthly. Writing is slowly becoming easier, but I don't wanna push myself. This story means a lot to me! I only skimmed this chapter for mistakes so please forgive the flaws. Please, anyone, be my beta reader. I really need a beta reader ;; </p><p>Thank you for reading this little personal update, and now please go enjoy this chapter! I love you guys and I really appreciate the support you've been giving me. Even though I'm not as into DR as I used to be, this fanfic in particular, and this pairing, is really important to me. I love the sense of cosiness, comfort, and intimacy KomaHina provides me. Your comments and kudos make my heart happy &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Komaeda was nose deep in a Murakami book in the cramped seat of an aeroplane, Hinata sitting beside him. He was reading an unloved copy of <em>The Wind Up Bird Chronicle </em>that he’d found on Hinata’s pitiful bookshelf and usually he would be so invested he’d able to zone out completely from the cramped seat and stuffy heaters blowing air from overhead. He was perspiring heavily and not just from the heat. A familiar anxiety caused his eyes to blur as they skimmed over the words. He had a headache and his chest felt tight, and he felt disgusting as he sat there, sweating.</p><p>He felt a hand on his and turned to meet Hinata’s concerned, hazel eyes. It was still a shock to see that sort of expression on Hinata’s face, when directed towards him.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m okay. Well…” Komaeda rubbed his cheek at the pointed look that Hinata gave him. “Did I ever tell you about how my parents died?”</p><p>Hinata’s face lost colour so quickly it was alarming. “Oh… oh my <em>god, </em>Komaeda, why didn’t you say anything sooner? I’d forgotten until now!”</p><p>Komaeda shook his head. “It’s fine, truly. It was a long time ago. I can’t spend my life being afraid. It’s just… a little hard to breathe in here.”</p><p>Hinata’s hand squeezed his more tightly. Even though Komaeda’s hands were clammy and gross, the pressure felt comforting and he let his head fall on Hinata’s shoulder delicately. “Trust me. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” He smiled as he felt Hinata brush some hairs away from Komaeda’s face; he leant into the touch. “I still don’t understand why you invited me, but it’s an honour.”</p><p>“I’m sick of how things worked out,” Hinata groaned. “Sick of all this residual hatred that has stuck around.” He shifted back so that Komaeda could see the soft smile on his face. “I’ve been so much happier since meeting you again. And I think it might be good for everyone to meet you again.”</p><p>Heat rose in Komaeda’s cheeks and he turned to bury his face in his hands, thoroughly embarrassed, but not a little flattered. Perhaps he could believe Hinata’s words if he imagined that Hinata felt the same way as he did. Since meeting Hinata again, despite all the terrible things that had happened and having his name dragged further through the mud, Komaeda had felt like life was better than the peaceful, monotonous anonymity that he’d enjoyed before. It was like a blanket of numbness had risen from his allowing for greater pain and joy.</p><p>“Is it strange to say that I always thought we’d get along, under different circumstances?” Komaeda asked, shifting his gaze out of the window to watch the swirling whiteness of the clouds.</p><p>“A little, but I think I understand.”</p><p>Komaeda hummed in reply, and the world kept on rolling by outside.</p><p>It was late afternoon by the time they arrived. The sun was hazy on the horizon and the air was thick and heavy. As soon as they stepped off the plane Komaeda felt his shirt stick to him and his face redden with the humidity. Waiting for their baggage was a welcome relief. Komaeda sat with the rest of their belongings, fanning himself with a leaflet, while Hinata eventually brought back the larger suitcase they shared.</p><p>The taxi ride was more pleasant that Komaeda had anticipated. The car has air conditioning and the driver was friendly, speaking about the best places to visit in Naha, his tan skin glinting under the sun whilst Komaeda’s glistened with sweat. He was regretting agreeing to come, a little. If he’d known the environment would be so… warm… perhaps he’d have reconsidered. The thought of meeting his former classmates whilst red-faced and dizzy and dame was a little embarrassing. Especially as Hinata seemed unperturbed by the closeness of the atmosphere.</p><p>Resting his head on the cool glass of the window he watched the ocean go by as they drove down the costal roads. As stuffy as it was, the island was beautiful, though not quite as idyllic as the manufactured paradise of Jabberwock Island had been. Seeing the shabbiness of the buildings and vending machines in remote areas was comfortingly real.  </p><p>They arrived at the venue at around 7pm. It was a hotel, slightly removed from any other residential areas. It was a modest building with two stories and a stunning ocean view. Palm trees lined the driveway, along with a sheltered outdoor area for smoking and socialising. It was very clearly a choice that Akane would make, and the thought made Komaeda smile, whilst also sending a pang of anxiety in his chest at the thought of speaking to old foes. There was no one outside the building, though by logic of things it was likely mealtime.</p><p>“I don’t know which rooms ours are yet,” Hinata said, unbuckling his seatbelt and handing a wad of cash to the driver, “so we’ll have to say hello first.”</p><p>Komaeda sank further down in his seat. “Can I just wait outside?”</p><p>“You’re probably overthinking things. It’ll be fine.” Komaeda wasn’t so convinced by the other man’s tone.</p><p>“Haven’t you been ignoring everyone’s texts and calls,” he challenged.</p><p>Hinata sighed. “Yeah, okay, fine. But whatever happens we’re in this together. If they’re mad at you they’re mad at me too. You’re my friend. I’m not gonna let them hurt you.”</p><p>“Thank you, Hajime,” Komaeda said, giving his a small, genuine smile. He undid his seatbelt, and dragged himself out of the car.</p><p>The air was rapidly cooling with the onset of night, and the freshness of it, combined with the ocean breeze, soothed Komaeda’s nerves. He slung his bag pack over his shoulder, combing down the flyaways of his fine hair with his fingers.</p><p>The check in desk was manned by a friendly middle-aged man, who took their names and directed them to the rented hall that the class had reserved for socialising and eating, as to have more privacy than in the rest of the hotel. With a queen and a recently-crowned king in their midst, along with Ibuki’s successful music career, affording such luxuries was of no surprise at all.</p><p>“C’mon,” Hinata said, taking the lead down the corridor with the big suitcase while Komaeda trailed behind with the small back pack of necessities.</p><p>Komaeda tried to still the involuntary tremors in his hands as they approached the hall. The door was slightly open, casting a warm, orange light into the darkened hallway. They could hear the sound of several people talking at once. It had been so long since Komaeda had heard Teruteru’s bragging or Saionji’s bullying, and it was incredibly jarring to hear the familiar yet long forgotten chatter again. Komaeda had never expected to meet these people again in this lifetime.</p><p>Hinata pushed open the door, flooding himself with light. Komaeda heard their classmates greeting him. Hinata had told him that’d he’d only told Akane, but knowing her the news would have spread quickly, and fairly so. Komaeda wasn’t exactly sure if it was morally sound for him to be there in the first place, but he’d given in to Hinata’s enthusiasm and his own selfishness.</p><p>“Where’s Komaeda,” Souda’s voice rang out, killing the remaining chatter in the room.</p><p>Komaeda swallowed, ignoring the tug of his muscles to flee the opposite way, and joined Hinata in the light of the doorway, looking in at faces he’d last seen years ago. Some he hadn’t seen since they were corpses, subject to his mocking. Some he’d seen the light leave as they were executed. Full of terror and grief.</p><p>Damn. He shouldn’t have come.</p><p>Komaeda couldn’t bring himself to smile. With his eyes fixed on the tatami mats and greeted the room as if he were a transfer student introducing himself to a new class. “Thank you for having me.”</p><p>The tension could have been cut with a knife. Komaeda had been prepared for the distain and discomfort of the others. After all, he’d done a press conference with a room of journalists intent on making him a villain, but he actually <em>cared </em>about these people, and he cared about Hinata’s reputation. Komaeda was a mar on that reputation, as kindly as Hinata reassured him it was okay.</p><p>He wished he was back in Hinata’s apartment with Michi and Coco curled up on the sofa next to him, reading a book too heavy to lift.</p><p>Hinata coughed indiscreetly. “Well, we’ll take a seat and get something to eat.”</p><p>“You’re not sitting at this table,” Souda growled, kicking his feet onto the table. Beside him, Saionji and Mahiru looked distinctly uncomfortable. Komaeda was mortified, but Hinata grabbed his hand and pulled him to sit down at a table with Pekoyama and Fuyuhiko, as well as Togami, Teruteru and Ibuki.</p><p>Feeling like the new kid at school Komaeda reluctantly sat between Hinata and Ibuki, clutching his hands in his lap. His back was as straight as a board, aching with tension that refused to leave him. Conversation was slowly picking up again in the room, and the sound of eating utensils being used did something to reduce the tension in the air. Komaeda felt brave enough to observe the small circle he’d joined. Togami, whose appearance had changed vastly, met his eyes directly. While his face wasn’t openly hostile, Komaeda blanched at the attention.</p><p>“I’m sorry for the intrusion,” Komaeda spoke again. No conversation had started at the table he was sat at until then, “I can leave, if that would make you more comfortable.”</p><p>“You’re not leaving,” Hinata said firmly.</p><p>“Komaeda-san,” Ibuki said, leaning forward until she was far too close to his face for comfort, “you’ve changed a lot, huh. But somehow, not at all! How strange! I don’t think you should leave.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Komaeda replied, feeling tears well in his eyes reflexively at the unexpected welcome. He blinked angrily to retain composure. “It’s been a while since I last saw you, but you seem exactly the same.”</p><p>“Well there’s no room for character development for someone like me,” the woman proclaimed. She grinned, leaning in further to push back Komaeda’s hair and stare into his eyes, which would have been uncomfortably romantic if it wasn’t the very ‘Ibukiness’ of the gesture. “Yep, you’re fine. Welcome back.”</p><p>Komaeda huffed out a laugh. If no one else accepted him, he knew that at least two of his former friends had it in them to forgive him. Komaeda felt a distinct sense of appreciation for the generosity of his talented classmates.</p><p>“So what have you been doing since we last saw you?” ‘Togami’ (as they’d all taken to calling him, as confusing as it was) asked.</p><p>“Nothing much really. I had a job in a café until recently, but – ah – I assume you know why I don’t work there any more.”</p><p>He glanced at Hinata and they shared an unspoken agreement to keep quiet about the fact that Komaeda’s house had been vandalised and he was currently living in Hinata’s apartment.</p><p>“Um, and I have quite a lot of therapy. Because of… how I was before and…”</p><p>“Ya don’t have to spell everything out,” Kuzuryu said impatiently. “Look, Souda may be an asshole, but he is hurt easily and holds onto grudges more than anyone. So he’s not gonna forgive you, easily. But a lot of us have grown up, so if Hinata trusts you and says that you’re not gonna go all psycho on us again, then I for one trust him.”</p><p>“Thank you Kuzuryu,” Hinata added, only half sarcastically.</p><p>“I really didn’t expect-”</p><p>“Expect what? Forgiveness? Acceptance? Why are ya here then; just to be hated?”</p><p>“No, but…”</p><p>“What my husband is trying to say is that its okay if you want to find redemption,” Pekoyama translated softly, putting a hand over Kuzuryu’s fondly.</p><p>Komaeda’s face softened. “Truly, thank you.”</p><p>After the meal the class separated by gender to go to the baths that were a part of the hotel. Komaeda pulled back hesitantly, far too overwhelmed by basic interaction to go to something as intimate as public bathing. He expected Hinata to insist, but the other man instead seemed to understand how Komaeda felt merely by looking at him and suggested that they retire to their hotel rooms early to use the en-suite bathroom there.</p><p>When Hinata approached Akane about it, she looked a little bashful and handed him a key. “I wasn’t sure if you were being serious about bringing – ya know. And don’t think I’m happy that you did without properly asking everyone first. So if you want to stay here, you’re going to have to share a room.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Hinata grumbled, turning round before Akane could see his irritation.</p><p>He and Komaeda found their room without any trouble. It was on the second floor of the hotel at the end of the corridor. By the time Komaeda got there he collapsed onto the double bed, exhausted by the day but pleasantly surprised by how successful it had been, all things considered. Hinata plopped down next to him, groaning in satisfaction. The room was nice considering the modest nature of the overall hotel. It had a south facing window on one wall and a double bed with crisp bedding. Although it was plain, Komaeda didn’t feel an urge to check the corners for dirt or pests. He was content to sink into the duvet.</p><p>Beside him, Hinata pushed himself up onto an elbow, watching Komaeda with a thoughtful look on his face.</p><p>“Is something wrong?” Komaeda asked.</p><p>“Huh? O-oh, no, nothing’s wrong. I just… I don’t know how to say this.”</p><p>Komaeda sat up and tilted his head.</p><p>“When we first met, back on the beach at Jabberwock Island, did you feel it too?”</p><p>“Feel what?” Komaeda asked. The discomfort of veiled memories being tugged at gave him a fluttery discomfort in his stomach.</p><p>“Maybe it’s just me,” Hinata sighed, “don’t worry about it.”</p><p>“No!” Komaeda grabbed Hinata’s hand and forced him to look at him again, “you can tell me.”</p><p>Hinata bit his lip. “I never expected to feel what I did when I first saw you again. I… I don’t want to tell you, because if you don’t feel the same then it’ll be uncomfortable.”</p><p>Komaeda hadn’t even noticed how he’d started leaning into Hinata’s words as if there were a magnet between them. Suddenly his face was barely separated from Hinata’s. He felt a sudden urge to rub away the furrow between Hinata’s brows, and against his better judgement he did, brushing away the wrinkles in his skin with a feather touch. When he was done his hand remained on Hinata’s face, cupping the tan cheek of the other man, pressing against soft, freckled skin.</p><p>“I think you should tell me,” Komaeda whispered, his breath brushing against Hinata’s face. Hinata’s eyelashes fluttered as if intoxicated.</p><p>“I like you, Nagito.”</p><p>“I like you too.”</p><p>And then they were kissing. The world melted away as Komaeda leant into the kiss, feeling the bitten lips of Hinata’s against his own chapped ones. It was clumsy and shallow but electricity jolted through both of them and Komaeda felt himself pushing forward greedily. The innocence of the first kiss fell away and Hinata fell back onto the covers, Komaeda chasing him. All fatigue had fell away from his body and he was dancing with energy, and he could feel the new life in Hinata as well, who craned his neck below him to push into the kiss.</p><p>“I like you so much,” Hinata gasped.</p><p>Komaeda smiled down at him. Everything was in that smile. The hurt of the past and the hope of the future. The feeling that Hinata had breathed new life into Komaeda the second time they met, as if waking him from a coma, or the dull monotony of a nightmare.</p><p>The world shifted around Komaeda, and then he was the one on his back, Hinata pushing him down and pressing the warmth of their bodies together. Komaeda felt the hardness of Hinata against his thigh and bucked up in sudden excitement, against better judgement, awed and jittery from the thought that it was <em>he </em>who’d caused Hinata to feel that way. Hinata gasped, pressing his clothed erecting into Komaeda’s flesh. He looked cute like this. His skin was red, eyes lidded and hazy. Komaeda thought they must both have been enchanted. This confidence between then seemed so sudden, and yet like the natural conclusion to the friendly tension that had been building between them over the weeks.</p><p>“Is this okay?” Hinata asked, pulling back, still with an expression of lust, but the pull of uncertainty at his lips.</p><p>Komaeda held his face with both his hands. “It’s more than okay Hajime. If you want this, I want it tenfold.”</p><p>“You’re such an idiot,” Hinata grinned, catching him in a messy kiss and pushing his hand under Komaeda’s t-shirt, feeling every divot of his ribs, the light muscle around his stomach, up to his bony chest where he brushed an erect nipple causing Komaeda to groan into him. Komaeda’s stomach tensed as the sensation, so alien to him, of Hinata’s soft writer’s hands touching him as if he were as delicate as porcelain, hesitating, and then pressing sharply.</p><p>“Oh my god,” Komaeda gasped as he curled his legs over Hinata’s back to press their erections together. Hinata groaned in unspoken agreement, rocking as if fucking Komaeda already. The movement sent jolts of pleasure through Komaeda, centered on his cock and then shooting through his veins until he felt it through his whole body.</p><p>Feeling a burst of confidence Komaeda tugged at the hem of Hinata’s shirt, pulling it half way up his tanned torso. Hinata leaned back to help, and Komaeda deftly rid him of the shirt, staring for a moment in awe as if he’d never seen a man’s bare chest before. Hinata could have been carved from marble. There were faint divots of muscle very time he breathed – which was often and sharply – rounded into a sloping waist and hips with the slight padding of a writer round them. Komaeda let his hands dig into the softness of his waist. Hinata’s skin was burning but rough with goosebumps. He moaned as Komaeda explored his skin.</p><p>“That’s enough, I need,” Hinata gasped as Komaeda pinched at his lower back, “I need you naked. Now.”</p><p>Those words went straight to Komaeda’s dick and he wouldn’t have been able to disobey, even if he wanted to. He wriggle out from underneath Hinata, tugging his shirt off with no ceremony. His hands went to his belt, unbuckling it before looking shyly back at Hinata, who was watching him in a haze of lust.</p><p>“I won’t look as good as you,” Komaeda warned him, uncertainty pulling at his gut. He frowned, suddenly massively sure of himself. It seemed unfair to let Hinata settle with someone like him…</p><p>The thoughts stopped as Hinata shuffled towards him and put a reassuring hand on his thigh. “You never acknowledge your own value,” he said, stroking circles on Komaeda’s skin. “Let me?” Hinata’s hands were at the belt. He slipped it out of the buckle, fingers moving to undo the button and tug the zipper down gently.</p><p>Silently, Komaeda leaned back on his hands, shuffling his hips up so that Hinata could tug the trousers down his legs. Once they were off Hinata flung them to the side as if they were some offensive object. Komaeda lay bare before him, but for the thin fabric of his boxer, which strained with the tent of his erection. Hinata sat dumbly for a few moments and Komaeda worried for a second that he was regretting their moment of spontaneous passion.</p><p>But then he crawled forward, hands rubbing the fine silver hairs on Komaeda’s legs, touching their thinness as if it did the opposite of repulse him. Komaeda hoped the jut of his hip bones and knees didn’t disgust Hinata. It had always disgusted him; reminded him of his smallness.</p><p>Hinata cupped his erection and Komaeda let out a shaky breath, his dick twitching in interest. Hinata rubbed its entire length and then moved to mouth Welty at it through the fabric of his boxers. “H-Hajime,” Komaeda moaned, bucking his hips involuntarily.</p><p>Hinata smiled up at him, looking wonderfully erotic as he panted between Komaeda’s thighs. Hastily, as if it were merely an inconvenience, Hinata pulled off his trousers and boxers together, letting his palm cup his weeping penis, pumping it a few times and shaking with need as he did so. All remnants of shyness leaving him, Komaeda kicked off his own underwear, shuffling forward and kissing Hinata again. As his tongue probed at Hinata’s lips one of his hands wandered to brush Hinata’s dick, circling the top and then trailing down the length of it. Hinata was of average size, but his penis was well shaped. Komaeda was still a virgin, but all he wanted was to be fucked by that dick.</p><p>He shuddered with pleasure as Hinata’s hand found his dick, pumping it eagerly. Komaeda whined, overwhelmed momentarily with pleasure. His hands stopped moving on Hinata’s erection as he let himself sink into the touch of the other man. Hinata pushed him backwards, hand still rubbing at his dick. He leant down and took it in his mouth, the moist warmth overwhelming Komaeda completely and sending his head reeling. He hadn’t know that such blissful sensation was even possible. He knew that if it hadn’t been Hinata, it would have been the same.</p><p>Hinata bobbed his head on Komaeda’s length, his tongue swirling at the tip, probing under Komaeda’s foreskin, as he reached the top, before swinging down and enveloping Komaeda with that wonderful heat once again.</p><p>Hand taking Komaeda’s dick and continuing to pleasure it, Hinata moved down to mouth at Komaeda’s balls. His tongue licked down the centre of them as if he’d done this a thousand times, and then he put one in his mouth, sucking and moaning lewdly. Komaeda tried his best to watch Hinata, but it was hard to resist throwing his head back and loosing himself in bliss.</p><p>He felt his orgasm coming slowly, and then all at once. He whined, half in panic. Hinata glanced up at him, moving to take Komaeda’s penis in his mouth once more, moving down to swallow around it. Komaeda’s dick swelled and twitched as his orgasm raced closer, urged on by Hinata’s gagging as he pulled up, only to force his mouth down on Komaeda once more.</p><p>That was too much for Komaeda and he spilled into Hinata’s mouth, coming more than he had since he was a teenager.</p><p>“Hajime! Oh my god, H-Hajime,” Komaeda moaned, vision white as wave after wave of pleasure rolled over him. Hinata rubbed at his hip in small circles, keeping his mouth on Komaeda until he’d come down from orgasm and his dick started softening. Hinata pulled off, swallowing the last of Komaeda’s cum and smiling breathlessly at Komaeda, laid out below him.</p><p>Komaeda reached out for him and Hinata lay beside him with an arm lazily thrown over his chest. The warmth of Hinata felt amazing against Komaeda’s skin, mixing with the relaxation of post-orgasmic bliss. Feeling Hinata hard against his bare leg Komaeda pulled back.</p><p>“S-sorry, I’ll…”</p><p>“Just lay with me,” Hinata objected, pulling him back down. Komaeda blinked at him.</p><p>“But-”</p><p>“This is everything I want,” Hinata said, as if that were an explanation, “to be close to you. I’ve… I’ve never had that.”</p><p>“This is your first time, too?”</p><p>Hinata looked startled, turning red at the suggestion. “It’s your first time? Damn Komaeda, if I’d have known I’d have made it more romantic. No, I’ve had plenty of one night stands. All nice enough, but unfulfilling deep down. Not long ago I realised that it’s <em>this,” </em>he nodded to their entangled bodies, “this that would fulfil me. Thank you for trusting me.”</p><p>“N-no, thank <em>you,” </em>Komaeda said. How had Hajime Hinata opened up to him, of all people? How was it that Komaeda was able to satisfy him with a mere post-coital hug?</p><p>His head was still swimming from orgasm, and with the lingering confidence and caught Hinata’s lips softly, and they kissed gently and slowly, in no rush or fervour. Hinata’s erection was waning against his thigh, and though he felt a little selfish acknowledging it, Komaeda was a little relieved. This was all so new, and to be fully exposed to another person, who he may or may not be developing feelings for, and to have that person’s mouth bring him such pleasure… It was wonderful, and he felt giddy that he could finally understood the romance novels that were a guilty pleasure of his, but any more would probably have been too overwhelming.</p><p>Laying here sleepily with Hinata, now that was the best balm to sooth any anxiety he may have had.</p><p>“I’m going to turn the lights off,” Hinata said. When the room was dark he settled himself in front of Komaeda, and Komaeda held him tight to his chest, unwilling to let him go. Hinata laughed as Komaeda’s breath tickled the back of his neck. “I never took you for the spooning type.”</p><p>Komaeda playfully kicked at Hinata’s calf, “Shut up. Neither did I. Lemme cuddle.”</p><p>They may have spoken more, but whatever words were exchanged fell from their memory as sleep enveloped them both, like lovers.</p><p>It was a strange sensation to wake up with the presence of another human coiling around him, but it was a pleasant one. Hinata turned his head to see Komaeda sleeping beside him. Hinata had rolled over sometime that night onto his back while Komaeda appeared to have stayed stone still. For some reason that surprised Hinata. He’d always imagined Komaeda to be a restless sleeper (not that Hinata put much thought into the sleeping patterns of his friends).</p><p>Though… were they friends now? Through some sort of travel-tired haze both of them had descended into madness the previous night, and Hinata couldn’t get his mind around it. It hadn’t even occurred to him before that point to have sex with Komaeda. He thought he’d left <em>those </em>feelings somewhere deep in the past, in this confused and conflicted teenage body. His adult body wasn’t meant to betray him like this. And yet he’d sought intimacy with Komaeda, and Komaeda had easily reciprocated. While it was new and clumsy for both of them, somehow it felt so natural at the same time.</p><p>Like they vibrated on the same frequency, despite how different they were.</p><p>In the end Hinata hadn’t even came, but he’d slept better than after any of the one night stands he’d allowed his body to be abused by back in this turbulent young-adulthood. This act of spontaneity with a childhood enemy had fulfilled him more than he knew sex could.</p><p>It did occur to him that when Komaeda woke up they’d have to look at each other, and speak to each other, and act normal around their former classmates as if nothing had changed from the day before. And god, they were still <em>naked</em>. Hinata suddenly became aware of the hotel sheets against his bare skin, and the nakedness of Komaeda’s hip as it brushed against him in his sleep. No, his waking. Komaeda was stirring beside him, and Hinata felt suddenly scared.</p><p>None the less, it was fascinating to watch as Komaeda slowly woke up. He was beautiful in sleep (how had Hinata never noticed the doll-like perfection of his features?) and it was only accentuated as his eyes squinted open, white lashes shadowing the slight darkness beneath his eyes that never truly went away. His pale irises were grey in the shadow of the curtained room, and he frowned as he locked eyes with Hinata, before shifting and looking at his bare chest, exposed to the air.</p><p>Komaeda turned red at an impressive pace, hands pulling the covers over himself like a girl. Yet he still smiled gently at Hinata. “Good morning,” he said softly.</p><p>“Mornin’” Hinata greeted him, turning so that he was lying facing Komaeda.</p><p>“What time is it?”</p><p>“I’m… not actually sure,” Hinata said, “but it’s fine, whatever time it is. We’re on holiday after all.”</p><p>Komaeda hummed. “It’s been years since I’ve been on a proper holiday. But, I guess we are, aren’t we? How did you sleep?”</p><p>“Really well,” Hinata answered him bashfully. “It was… really nice sharing a bed with you.”</p><p>Laughing, Komaeda thanked him. His cold hand (how was it still cold even as they shared their body heat under the covers?) came to entwine with Hinata’s. “Um, I understand if last night was a mistake. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable in any way. I hope nothing changes between us.”</p><p>Hinata panicked. Komaeda thought it was a mistake? Had Hinata pressured him into it without even noticing? Damn, he hoped not.</p><p>Komaeda must have seen the conflict on his face, but his words only made things worse. “Sorry, hey, Hinata, I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have made you do those things to me. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Shut up,” Hinata snatched his hand away, “made me do what? As far as I was aware, last night was consensual.” He sat up, feeling the familiar discomfort of his heart pounding in his chest, the welling of sickening anxiety. Damn him, and his spontaneity. Looking for intimacy, for something to make him feel normal and <em>loved…</em></p><p>Beside him Komaeda sat up as well, not caring that the blanket pooled round his waist. His eyebrows furrowed above concerned eyes, darting from Hinata to the evidence of the night before. God knows what he was thinking. His cold hand found its way to Hinata’s shoulder and pulled Hinata towards him. Hinata felt Komaeda’s head resting on his shoulder, arms winding round the skin of his back, one hand resting on the back of Hinata’s head like a father.</p><p>“I’m sorry Hinata. It was all consensual. We just didn’t communicate it well.”</p><p>Hinata sighed and let the tension melt from his body. He allowed himself to lean into the embrace before pulling back, scrubbing angrily at his eyes. “I’m sorry too. I just hate that you’d think you pressured me into that when it was… it was really nice.”</p><p>“Yeah, it was,” Komaeda agreed, resting his head on Hinata’s shoulder.</p><p>“So what does this mean,” Hinata brought himself to ask.</p><p>Komaeda hummed. “I’m not really sure. It’s not exactly a normal situation, is it?” He laughed, “they don’t make guidebooks for this.”</p><p>“I guess we should speak about or feelings,” Hinata suggested, before blushing deeply, “sorry, that sounds so corny.”</p><p>Komaeda huffed in amusement, fingertips trailing along Hinata’s bicep. “Corny maybe, but I have a feeling we both need bluntness in order to make sense of this situation. The truth is Hinata, I’ve had feelings for you for a very long time, but I’d never truly acknowledged them. They started when we were known as Servant and Kamukura.” His nose wrinkled in distaste at the memory. “Servant… was infatuated with Kamukura’s talent. That’s why I never gave these feelings thought. It was so, so shallow back then. But at some point it became… I don’t want you to think that’s the reason I like you. But I do, you know? Like you, that is. I’m not sure if you feel it too, but there is something between us that isn’t between us and our classmates.”</p><p>“I’ve felt it since we met in the simulation,” Hinata said. “Over the years, I’d assumed it was hate.”</p><p>“Hate and love aren’t as separate as people tend to think.”</p><p>“Hm,” Hinata agreed, letting a hand cart through that fluffy hair of the other man. It was tangled, but somehow soft and airy at the same time. Fine but voluminous. It was far from the first contradiction about Komaeda. “Do you truly think this is love?”</p><p>“I can only speak for myself,” Komaeda answered quietly, turning his head so his nose buried in the crook of Hinata’s neck. The feeling of his breath against Hinata’s bare skin would have usually been arousing, but in this situation it felt intimate on a deeper level. “But truly, I think I’ve loved you for years.”</p><p>“Oh,” Hinata said.</p><p>Komaeda smiled and pulled back. “Is that all you’re going to say?”</p><p>“It’s just, a lot, I guess.”</p><p>“Yeah, it is. I’m just grateful for any time I can spend with you.”</p><p>There was an unidentifiable feeling in the pit of Hinata’s stomach. It was intrinsically uncomfortable, but he knew it was far from negative. It was the hesitant feeling of falling for someone, or rather, accepting his feelings for someone he’d been yearning after for what felt like a lifetime. Komaeda had looked like an angel the first time he’d rested his eyes on him, the sun creating a halo round his hair. He’d thought it was an illusion for a long time; a trick used to lull him into a false sense of security so that Komaeda could slip through the cracks and ruin his life. Now, as he slowly became more acquainted with Komaeda’s true nature, he found the man’s image to suit him perfectly.</p><p>“Would you… like to go on a date with me, when we get back to Tokyo?” Hinata asked.</p><p>“Isn’t that the wrong way round?”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Well, usually people do what we did last night <em>after </em>the date.”</p><p>Hinata flicked the side of Komaeda’s head. “Fussy,” he complained, before melting at the disgruntled look Komaeda was shooting him.</p><p>“In all seriousness, I’d love to go on a date with you. If you’re sure –”</p><p>“If you’re going to insult yourself again don’t bother. No one insults the person I like and gets away with it.”</p><p>“Oh my god,” Komaeda groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I’m weak.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Hinata hummed. He brought up the time on his phone. “Shit, it’s almost lunchtime. Everyone will be wondering where we are.”</p><p>Komaeda shifted in discomfort suddenly. “I think I’ll stay in here for today. I made everything so uncomfortable yesterday.”</p><p>“You don’t have to do that.”</p><p>Komaeda considered this for a moment, and then sighed. “You’re right, I don’t.”</p><p>“C’mon then, get dressed. You can’t exactly come down butt naked.”</p><p>Komaeda flushed and pulled the covers up self consciously. He threw a pillow at Hinata, who caught it smugly. “You’re a dick.”</p><p>Hinata smirked. “Yeah, I know.”</p>
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